By Its Cover

It's been a while since I've distilled for you the pure evil that is online casting, so here's a very special edition.

I'm going to burn through 50 casting calls and see how many horrible projects I can pick out by title alone. No pre-screening to make sure they're funny - we'll see if titling your project is any indication of its overall quality...

A Story of Revange (Tentative Title)/Student Film
Synopsis A man that seeks revange against the men who kill her wife
RoleDescription
SeanThe main character, he is a hitman who seeks ravenge
SophieLead actor wife
FrankThe antagonist of the story, he wont let anything to interfer with his plans
MAFIA GUY 1

Right off the bat, we hit a well-spring of ineptitude. If the spelling errors weren't a warning bell, the Tentative Title and Student Film tags should be screaming klaxons urging sane actors everywhere to run from this project faster than Angelika Merkel at George Bush's post G-8 hot tub party.

(You can thank me for that mental image later.)

BUSCANDO AMOR DESAFIO/Reality TV
Synopsis es un realty tv show similar al blind date en version latina,consta de tres etepas ,una actividad,cena ,jacuzzi o bar.... es un programa divertido y espontaneo y sobre todo se requiere de mucha improvisacion
RoleDescription
PRINCIPALESMUJER Y HOMBRE DE BUANA APARENCIA FISICA,Y BUEN DESEMBOLVIMIENTO FRENTE A CAMARAS,Y ESPANOL FLUIDO

After four months in Los Angeles, I may not speak Spanish but I know enough to tell you this project is mui caliente!

Any time you put the words "latina", "bar", and "jacuzzi" together you have... well, probably the third most common Google search by teenage boys after 11pm on a weeknight.

I think the reason I got sent this casting call is because they want ESPANOL FLUIDO and I am a PADI-certified diver.

Arguing/Feature Film
Synopsis We are looking for performers that can surprise us. Improv & comedic timing/instinct necessary. This is a dark comedy satire of tempermental people. We need animated performances, yet all of these roles are to be played "straight," meaning no hint of humor in your performance. Think Chris Farley....characters at their wit's end that have snapped & lost all self control. Bring something to the table. SHOW US WHAT YOU'VE GOT. We are having open auditions & have opened this opportunity to such a broad range of types because your look is far less important than your ability.

All characters will have profanity in their dialogue.

All of these characters are lead roles. They do not have names because of the narrative nature of this project. These people represent us all...it's not about them as individuals, it is about all of humanity.

This film will be entered into as many festivals as possible. Our DP's last film went to Sundance & was picked up by Sony.

RoleDescription
CHILDREN Looking for all types. The only criterion is strong improv ability & natural ability to argue very well.
MATURE BUSINESSMENAll types. These men need to be ruthless, smart alec, sarcastic, clever & mean. Straight & Gay. Improv ability.
OVERWEIGHT WOMENOverweight, hormonal & very emotionally unstable. Improv ability.

This might actually be legit. Although, that whole "the DP's last picture..." line always sounds like fishing to me.

Something seems wrong when the synopsis says "All characters will have profanity in their dialogue." and the first role for casting is Children 5-10.

Misadventures in the Burbank City/Pilot,Non-Union
Synopsis The story of four friends with nothing to do but kill time.

This is a pilot we're trying to get picked up by F.X. Have been having a hard time finding our lead actress. Have a couple of girls in mind but as soon as we know we have the right girl, we start shooting on location in Burbank.

This a show that bases itself around the idea that what your watching is real. We use real names but script everything.

RoleDescription
MR. BALSBYTall and well built. Mr. Balsby is what you envision your typical rich, handsome, arrogant, and concieted music exec looking like.
PAM Pam is smart, funny, pretty, but at times comes off deseperate.
GREG Not your typical African American young man. He's kind of a surfer bro, and speaks and dresses like he hangs out with a lot of white guys. Has a good sense of humour.
KEN Ken is your non typical asian, he wants to change people's perceptions on how asians are stereo-typically known for.

I thought this title was odd for calling it "the Burbank City". I don't know of anyone who does that, but maybe I'll start. "I'm headed to The Burbank."

I love this part of the synopsis: "This a show that bases itself around the idea that what your watching is real. We use real names but script everything." So, what makes this different from any other reality TV show?

And finally...

Be Competent/PSA
Synopsis This is part of a series of Public Service Announcements based on "The Way to Happiness" - a non-religious moral code written by L. Ron Hubbard. This project is affiliated with the Church of Scientology and is a co production between Golden Era Productions and TXL Films.
RoleDescription
SOCCER STARWe see a Soccer Star doing some expert footwork and faking out an opponant and then slamming the ball into the goal. MUST be an actual Soccer Player.
YOUNG SOCCER STARWe see a young version or our Soccer Star. He is starting to learn and practice. We see him mess up as well as continue to get better and better. MUST be an actual Soccer Player.
SKATEBOARDER We see a skateboarder doing several tricks on a half-pipe. MUST be an actual skateboarder.
YOUNG SKATEBOARDER We see a younger version of our skateboarder. He is practicing and runs into a car. We see him continuing to study and drill and eventually see him doing well, i.e. grinding along a rail, etc. MUST be an actual skateboarder.
GYMNAST We see a gymnast doing twisting layouts, etc on a giant trampoline. MUST be an actual gymnast.
YOUNG GYMNAST We see a young version of our gymnast. She trys a trick on the trapoline and flys off sidways. Again we see her practacing and getting better and better, capably doing flips on her trapoline. MUST be an actual gymnast.

First of all, it's a sad commentary on the state of affairs in America when we have to have a PSA for competence. "Hey everybody, maybe we should all be reasonably qualified to perform our given tasks and duties... Anyone with me on that? Anyone...?"

Second, it was no surprise that this project is affiliated with the Church of Scientology.

-Tom, who could have told you that by the $200 a day they want to pay their "competent" gymnasts, skateboarders, and soccer players.

Comments
I'd just like to see Tom get the Mr. Balsby role. We could then refer to him as Mr. Balsby for the rest of his life.

Balsby.
# Posted By Dave M. | 7/21/06 12:52 PM
" WOMEN   Overweight, hormonal & very emotionally unstable. Improv ability."

Hellllo Hollywood!!! My ship done come in!
# Posted By LizRM | 7/21/06 1:07 PM
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