Am I On Fire? MMmmmmmm... Nope.

Things happen in California. BIG things.

Earthquakes... wildfires... tanker truck explosions that shut down five-lane freeways. Things so big they put it on the news.

The things that happen to me, they're small. They don't make it to the news. So instead, I put them in... The Little Details.

• Right now, I'm sitting waiting for the exterminator. I'd live blog it like the plumber, but it is nowhere NEAR as compelling. Who wants to hear about the exterminator?
• Well, since you asked, the exterminator is late - just like the plumber. Punctuality is not a staple of the service industry anymore.
• My old neighbors had three kids and were sloppy about picking up after all the food and crumbs they dropped. This lead to the current roach situation.
• My old neighbors moved out and were replaced by a new family. They have three kids.
• Surprisingly, I am still optimistic.
• Before the exterminator comes, they give you homework to do.
• Much like the homework I got in college or high school, I put it off until the last minute.
• Unlike the homework I got in college or high school, this involved a lot of physical labor: they want you to clean EVERYTHING out of the kitchen and bathroom. Well, everything except the fridge.
• If you have roaches in your fridge, it probably doesn't matter if you clean out the rest of the kitchen. They are going to firebomb that building and begin anew.
• Fun fact: I own over 40 different cups and glasses.
• I regularly use six.
• It's important to have a complete set of wine and beer glasses. Because twice a year I will have people over who drink wine.
• Zero times out of the year does someone ask to drink beer out of a beer glass. At my place, drinking out of a "beer glass" means you bought bottles.
• Right now, because all of my cups and glasses have been placed under a large sheet in the middle of the dining room table, I'm drinking out of a 64-oz plastic jug.
• All I have to do now is put my car up on blocks, slip in a plug of chewing tobacco, and go sit on my front stoop in a stained t-shirt and for the rest of the day I can pretend I'm living in the Florida panhandle.
• To be fair, the Florida panhandle does not catch fire nearly as often as Southern California does.
• On the other hand, we don't have hurricanes and gators.
• For those of you who aren't familiar: those are college football teams.
• Disclaimer: I do not follow college football whatsoever.
• College football is like baccarat: I'm aware the game exists, I am told people enjoy it, and I have no interest in learning its byzantine rules.
• Are you trying to tell me the Bowl system is not byzantine?
• For the record: exterminator - still not here.
• I had to microwave my lunch (all the pots and pans are under that giant white sheet too) and I got a little too enthusiastic with the hot dog/burrito wrap I was making, and I burned my mouth.
• Hot dog/burrito wrap: what you make when you have one leftover hot dog, no buns, and a package of grande tortillas.
• They are NOT screwing around when they say "grande" - if necessary, I could use one of these tortillas to cover the pans and glasses on my dining room table.
• Once the exterminator shows up, I can't return to the apartment for four hours.
• I just pro-rated that against my rent, and my landlord owes me five dollars and 76 cents.
• At those rates, I should really consider moving into a parking garage.
• They probably don't have cable there.
• Solution: Move into a parking garage attached to a sports bar!
• On the one hand, the sports bar is not going to let you watch Real Chance of Love on Monday nights. On the other hand, you will not spend so much of your Monday night being angry and offended.
• I'm beginning to think the only reason I watch VH1 is because Paul F Tompkins is my evil twin.
• I have a lot of evil twins. Somewhere in some alternate universe, Evil Joe is quite the philanderer.
• I should note that Paul F Tompkins never has - and never will - make an appearance on Real Chance of Love.
• For those of you who have never seen it (and God bless each and every one of you) Real Chance of Love is about two "self-proclaimed 'Stallionaires', [who] do everything together. They live together, they produce and perform music together, they travel, date, eat, and even breed Arabian horses together." In the series, fifteen women compete for the affection of the "Stallionaires".
• Basically, it's an 11-week exploration of misogyny.
• In case that wasn't clear from the "Stallionaires" part.
• OMG WHY CAN'T I JUST TURN IT OFF, IT'S HORRIBLE.
• Here's the really sad part: all the advertising is targeted to young women. You'd think it would be all like "AXE BODY SPRAY! WATCH THE BRO'S GET SOME HO's!!!" but no, it's stuff like skin care products and Plan B.
• On the plus side, if you're a young women and you watch that show I HOPE TO HELL you know about Plan B.
• Because I don't need any more evil twins.

-Tom, still waiting for the exterminator. I'll give you the five-dollar and seventy-six-cent update later.