All Kinds Of Wrong
Internet advertising really hasn't come into its own just yet. The best stuff is targeted, direct, and simple - like Google text ads. (Yeah, Google, I DO wanna buy the Bladerunner Super Deluxe Suitcase Collectors' Edition for cheap, how did you know?!)
The worst stuff is untargeted, blunt, and stupid. (BOOBS! Did you see them? Look, BOOBS! WE WILL HELP YOU FIND BOOBS!)
And then sometimes -- generally when you least expect it -- the internet is just creepy.
And not in that, ick-those-people-are-sick kind of way, but more in that mmm-this-burrito-tastes-great-HOLY-CRAP-I'M-CHEWING-ON-TINFOIL kind of way.
Take this ad which keeps popping up at me:
First of all, the whole premise is a little 1979. Hey, soon-to-be-stallion! There's a 30 second test you can use to tell when a woman is ready to be kissed! And if THAT doesn't work, clip this coupon for some SPANISH FLY!
But maybe that's not the intent. Maybe I'm reading more into it because of THE HORRIBLE PICTURE!
Who put these two people together?? I want to sit in on that meeting of advertising geniuses.
"Yeah, he's great. How old is he, like 42, 45? Perfect.
"You know what we need? We need a blond. Yeah, blonds always sell... errr... WTF are we selling here again? -Huh? Some website? Whatever. ANYWAY, blond. As close to 19 as possible. Not *wink*wink* 18, but 19. Mmmmmaybe 20, but Southern-sorority-girl 20, not the-junior-miss-section-at-Sears 20. Yeah.
"And she should have these spiky, vampire-claw hands. Paws, really. Make sure she has paws.
"Now, in the photo, we want HER to be kissing him. Like he didn't even know the kiss was coming, he is just overwhelmed by it. He TOTALLY had no idea, he was just with this girl in their... uh... -room that has wood paneling, and then BAM! She's like laying one on him and pawing at his head like a feral bear and he's just all like WOW, mouth agape.
"In fact, write that down: His mouth should be agape. And he should be a little flushed, a little sweaty. Yeah, I don't know -we'll turn up the lights or mist him with Mazola or something, don't ask me the details, that's art department!
"And whatever girl we get, her lips should be closed. Cause she's chaste. You know, the old Madonna/Whore paradigm. Sells like crazy. It's intrigue, intrigue. Guys love it when a girl holds back a little, it gives their imagination a place to go.
"What? So what about the age difference? ...No, it doesn't matter because SHE'S kissing HIM. Didn't you ever see The Graduate?
"Well I dunno, does this guy HAVE a daughter? Maybe we can just use her. Someone call the guy and see if he has a daughter..."
-Tom, who's not sure if writing that was cathartic or just made the whole thing worse.
For the love of god, please turn off your computer.
Just as soon as they send me my free XBox 360 for hitting that Gorilla with a mallet.
You think THE LOMMEL needs advice on how to tell when a woman is READY to be kissed!!??!!
It was $3.99.
(Sorry - couldn't help myself. At least I steered away from making a reference to "Tommel-hockey". Whoops!)
Yeah, but armed with my new knowledge, I can tell you with certainty that I will not be making THAT mistake again.
Plus, I'm prohibited from shopping at that particular Trader Joe's now anyhow.
But you'll have to wait six hours until you and Andy Kennedy can sneak out of the boy's dormitory to meet her and a couple of her friends at the old abandoned cabin under the mist shrouded moon at the edge of the waters of Mississippi to find out whether that promise in her eyes meets the expectations that your overactive and inexhaustable juvenile imagination creates for you.
Tom: you know that what really happened was some dork in his basement decided to cash in on other lovelorn dorks and selected a picture, largely at random, from some stock photography site.
{"...selected a picture, largely at random, from some stock photography site."}
I'll buy that it's a stock photo, but I am pretty sure it wasn't random. You have to work HARD to find that blend of creepy.
Hey-o!
Before I got ads telling me a band I like was coming to my town, and by 'my town' they seem to define it as Madison, or The Cities (Because no bands come to 'My Town'. But these were still slightly more relevant than my current ad selection.
Now, I get a daily reminder of how much of a loser the marketers believe I should see myself as, with pictures of happy women (who are supposedly in their 30's) in wedding gowns. I get asked repeatedly if I know why he stopped calling me, or why he pulled away. They promise if I know the secret that I will be able to snare a guy and keep him fascinated with me and only me. These ads try to urge me to buy with the titillating combination of "We have a secret, but we aren't telling, yet." "And you could be missing sooo many opportunities without even knowing it, so you should act now!"
However, I have yet to find an ad with as obviously over-done theater as you have displayed for us here. Yes, I do believe it was a very purposeful 'Hey you, Mr. Average Middle Aged man! There are chicks out there just waiting to THROW themselves at you! But you don't even know it! Because you don't know the secret! If you only knew the secret you could be bagging hot chicks like this every night!"
With all your talent, why aren't you more famous? Are you not trying hard enough to co-star in the next Ben Stiller movie? Does an ex-girlfriend have a Tom doll with a knitting needle jabbed up its anus? Please explain.
But seriously, be glad you aren't a 35yo married woman with kids getting reminded daily about the IMMEDIATE need to lose 20 pounds and unsightly stretch marks. NOW! Get rid of that horrible belly NOW!! Before it's too late! And by the way, if you want to know why your man seems distant, click here and LOSE THOSE UNSIGHTLY STRETCH MARKS!!