My Life In The Zoo

Tick, tick, tick, tick... where did they all go?

Like dandelion seeds scattering across an abandoned parking lot, they are...

The Little Details.

• I'm not going to say I'm sorry for the intermittent blogging, because that's a surefire sign a blog is about to DIE: "Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I promise I will blog more!" - LAST UPDATED APRIL 23rd 2006.
• Technology broke my blog: Due to a server upgrade last week, all you could see were the headlines, but none of the individual entries.
• Apparently the server thinks that six bold words from me ought to be enough.
• The server clearly does not know me very well. When was the last time I opened my mouth and only six words came out?
• That was more of a rhetorical question, jerk.
• To be fair, I use the word "Actually..." so much, I don't think that one should count.
• Hey, it's fall here in California. That means, sometimes, it gets below 80 and rains.
• It's like casual day for sunshine.
• It also means I have to put on a jacket. WHAT. The. HELL.
• Actually, I like wearing a jacket.
• If you don't count "Actually", that was only five words!
• Five words that pissed off sixty Minnesotans.
• I should have really titled this blog "I AM A DICK."
• Seems sort of self-evident from the picture at the top though, doesn't it?
• Again - that was a rhetorical question.
• I am house-sitting this week and taking care of two adorable dogs, here are some things I learned.
• If you are an adorable dog with a little arthritis and a slight case of agoraphobia, you are not going for a walk in the morning. At least, not further than half a block.
• If you are an adorable Dalmatian with really no discernible neuroses other than an incessant need to be petted (And really, that's not a disorder. Hell, I have an incessant need to be petted and I'm perfectly fine. QUIET YOU.) you are happy to go for a walk in the morning. In fact, the further the better.
• It's like somebody gave me a dog magnet and managed to separate the poles. One dog sticks to the house, the other never wants to go back to it.
• I compromise by letting them run around in the garden.
• The garden is the aluminum of dogs!
• One dog is trying to get all Great Escape on me by digging an escape tunnel near the begonias.
• Apparently part of its plan involves shrinking down to the size of a squirrel, because it's not digging a very big hole.
• I'm a rotten camp commander, because I have no idea which prisoner is trying to make a jailbreak. All I know is whenever I get home, the hole is a little bit bigger...
• I'm a great camp commander because I don't think this squirrel-tunneling plan is at all feasible.
• So, unless it's merely some clever distraction from the REAL escape tunnel, I think our dog magnet is safely contained.
• I'll tell you what is NOT safely contained: The two cats. I have no idea where those fuckers are most of the time.
• Apparently cat magnets only have one pole.
• Can't... do it... MUSTN'T MAKE... POLECAT... JOKE... ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHH.
• Hello? HELLO? Everyone okay? Say something if you're okay! It was just a temporary humor outage folks, nothing to get worried about. Go back to your computers. go back to your computers!
• Here's a weird thing: One of the cats likes to go for a walk WITH the dogs.
• Have you ever put a cat on a leash? Fuck no, you haven't. Cats are strictly freelance operatives.
• Freelance Operative Code Name:Ted can hear the dogs' tags rattling as we come down the hallway and as soon as I open the door, POOF! There is Freelance Operative Code Name:Ted, ready to go for a walk. And, possibly, engage in some international espionage.
• On the one hand, this is adorable. We're like the Bremen Town Musicians! Me, and two dogs (each pulling furiously in opposite directions) and a little white and tan cat, pattering our way down the sidewalk, in search of bushes and new places to poop.
• On the other hand, it's incredibly nerve-wracking, because Freelance Operative Code Name:Ted will NOT be told when and where to cross the street. Freelance Operative Code Name:Ted has lived here a LOT longer than you, pal, and he knows how to scamper across a busy intersection and dodge traffic, thankyouverymuch. Please, it's only a Volkswagen Jetta. If it's smaller than a Land Rover, it's not worth yielding to.
• So my nightly walks are by turns heart-warming, and terrifying.
• It's like the Die Hard of house-sitting, and Freelance Operative Code Name:TED is being played by Bruce Willis.
• "Whoo, morning school traffic! Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!"
• As long as the only collateral damage is a squirrel-sized hole in the yard, I'll be okay with that.

-Tom, who's a little nervous he's going to go home and find one of his D&D miniatures decapitated on the table with the words "Now I have a +3 Frostbrand" written on its chest.