The Very Short List of Alternative Stage Names

Hey everybody, 2010 is right around the corner and a change of decade is a great opportunity for a change of pace. And one of those changes is changing my name.

Here's the deal: "Tom Lommel" is problematic. It's nine letters long, but only uses five keys on the keyboard. Also, NO ONE knows how to pronounce it. "LOH-mel? Lum-MEL? LUH-mo?"

So, to ring in 2010, I'm looking for a new stage name. After a little brainstorming, I've narrowed it down to the top ten. Please help me pick from the following short list, or feel free to add you own.

1. Tom Prancingberries
Advantage: Some people might think I'm Native American and I'd get called in for cowboy movies and get special scholarships to grad school.
Disadvantage: I am not, in fact, Native American. Also: no one is making cowboy movies. Unless vampires = cowboys.

2. Mel Momlot
Advantage: Uses all the same letters.
Disadvantage: Sounds like the host of a 50s variety show held in a pole barn in upstate New York.

3. Tom Sizemore
Advantage: Existing name recognition; possible IMDb confusion (to MY benefit); easy to pronounce; compound name "Sizemore" implies I have a GIANT dick.
Disadvantage: Compound name "Sizemore" implies I have a GIANT cocaine problem.

4. Billy JANSJÖLERSTAJÖKELÅRSTIDFYLLINGSFART
Advantage: Everyone will comment on what a unique name it is.
Disadvantage: You will have to learn how to pronounce it.
Push: Ends in "fart."

( If this name looks familiar, it's because I made it up by picking random names from the IKEA catalog. ONLY STEAL FROM THE BEST!! )

5. M
Advantage: Easy to write, easy to spell.
Disadvantage: A bit pretentious; casting directors will probably expect someone who looks like Dame Judi Dench; people may try to dial me for murder.

6. Bradd Pit
Advantage: I AM AS AWESOME AS BRAD PITT, NOW IS MY CHANCE TO PROVE IT!!
Disadvantage: Obliged to snog on Anjelina Golie; also - proposed spelling probably already in use by adult film star. (See option #3)

7. Eagles of Death Metal
Advantage: When people ask what your name is for the second time, you get to go "EAGLES OF DEATH METAL, MOTHERFUCKER!!"
Disadvantage: I am neither shaped like an eagle, nor am I into death metal.

[POSSIBLE ALTERNATIVE: "3rd Level Paladins of Nerd Rock"]

8. OMOMOMOM
Advantage: Eight characters, but only TWO letters; sounds like Yoga mantra; also PROBABLY not currently in use by an adult film star.
Disadvantage: Sounds like Yoga mantra; same pronounciation issues as original name. "Is it OM-OM-OM-OM? O-MO-MO-MO-M? O-MOM-O-MOM? or OMO-MOM-OM?"; also, possible IMDb profile confusion (to MY benefit) if name was currently in use by an adult film star.

9. Poop Bag
Advantage: Truth in advertising - people regularly tell me I am full of shit; plus, who doesn't need a poop bag?
Disadvantage: Some casting directors are allergic to dogs, added expense of printing extra headshots with alternative name "CAT BOX" on it.

10. Cat Box
Advantage: This just sounds better all the way around.
Disadvantage: None that I can think of. "Fast & Furious 5: STARRING Vin Diesel! Paul Walker! Michelle Rodriguez! And introducing: CAT BOX!!!"

Thank you for your time and attention. As you can tell, this is a HUGE decision that will have major implications for my career in the year to come. Please cast your votes with all due care and consideration.

-3rd LEVEL CAT BOX OF DEATH METAL!!!