Hey there, Mr. Go-Getter!
Did your massive Ponzi scheme suddenly fail, leaving you broke and universally despised?
Were you recently laid off when the peanut company you ran accidentally poisoned hundreds of people?
Did your patently unsound plan to issue sub-prime mortgages to unqualified buyers inexplicably collapse, taking most of the world's banking system with it?
Don't worry, Go-Getter! There's still money to be made out there, and it's in INTERNET ADVERTISING!!
I get that there are ads on the internet. What I don't get, sometimes, are the ads themselves.
These are actual ads that someone actually wrote and composed. Then someone else -- the person who HIRED the "copywriter" (and I use that term loosely) -- actually reviewed and APPROVED these ads. Actually.
The BasicsYou can argue that, on The Internet (where the Rules As We Know Them don't apply -- it's a Brave New World people!) you don't have to pitch your product/services, or explain your value, or even mention your company's name. You just have to generate enough interest to get that user to click through to your site. Then you can bombard them with your full array of advertising magic in a much larger space which you own and control.
The CampaignOften it's helpful to have a theme for all the ads you're going to run. I mean, internet ads are cheap, so why not have that 19 year-old intern in the marketing department make up one of them template-y thingies in that crazy Photoshop deal all the kids seem to love so much and get him to crank out a whole string of ads? Great idea. Just make sure he's not spending his breaks in the copy room huffing toner:
The Point of DifferentiationOne of the key elements to any good marketing campaign is educating your potential customer on what exactly makes your company different.
Please stop by for a cheap 'encouter', they desperately need a proofreader.
The Celebrity Endorsement, Part IOften stars of stage, screen, and sport will attach their name to your product in exchange for a handsome stipend.
The Celebrity Endorsement, Part IICelebrities are known for their lavish, glamorous lifestyles. Certainly your customer base wants to emulate them!
(Actually, I give huge kudos to the subversive geek who put this thing together. It drips with indie-hipster irony. Either his client had no clue and got judo-chopped by their own agency or they took a calculated risk that people would click through thinking it was a parody. Of course, once they get to www.lamepyramidscheme.com, they are no longer entertained; they are simply sad and disappointed.)
Sex Sells, Part IIt's no mystery that if you want to increase clicks, you just have to include a little skin. Allow me to demonstrate.
Sex Sells, Part IIRemember, this strategy is SO potent that it really doesn't matter what your product is, as long as you can attach a saucy photo of some young lady coyly leaning into the camera and adjusting her glasses.
Sex Sells, Part III: REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY!Sometimes it's not what you see, it's what you don't see.
- Using your girlfriend's stomach as a pillow.
- Using your girlfriend's forehead as a tripod.
- Not owning your own pillow and/or tripod.
- Fooling around with your camera, pillow, or tripod when there is a perfectly pleasant, attractive young lady in front of you.
- Complementing her on her nice breasts when those are, in fact, her ribs.
- Persuading her to take some sexy snapshots in the bedroom and then telling her "Keep your clothes on and I don't want to see your face."
- Posting the resulting pictures on the internet.
- Posting the resulting pictures as an internet ad.
- Posting the resulting pictures as an internet ad and not paying her.
- Leaving the seat up. (RIGHT? AM I RIGHT LADIES?? RIGHT?!?)
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance...
-Tom, who has this strange compulsion to buy auto insurance.