Monkeys With Typewriters

Hey there, Mr. Go-Getter!

Did your massive Ponzi scheme suddenly fail, leaving you broke and universally despised?

Were you recently laid off when the peanut company you ran accidentally poisoned hundreds of people?

Did your patently unsound plan to issue sub-prime mortgages to unqualified buyers inexplicably collapse, taking most of the world's banking system with it?

Don't worry, Go-Getter! There's still money to be made out there, and it's in INTERNET ADVERTISING!!

I get that there are ads on the internet. What I don't get, sometimes, are the ads themselves.

These are actual ads that someone actually wrote and composed. Then someone else -- the person who HIRED the "copywriter" (and I use that term loosely) -- actually reviewed and APPROVED these ads. Actually.

The Basics

You can argue that, on The Internet (where the Rules As We Know Them don't apply -- it's a Brave New World people!) you don't have to pitch your product/services, or explain your value, or even mention your company's name. You just have to generate enough interest to get that user to click through to your site. Then you can bombard them with your full array of advertising magic in a much larger space which you own and control.
What you DO have to do, however, is edit your copy. The number of triangles is not 'scray', it's your inability to proof-read a four word sentence. You're going to check my IQ? I think I just passed the test.

The Campaign

Often it's helpful to have a theme for all the ads you're going to run. I mean, internet ads are cheap, so why not have that 19 year-old intern in the marketing department make up one of them template-y thingies in that crazy Photoshop deal all the kids seem to love so much and get him to crank out a whole string of ads? Great idea. Just make sure he's not spending his breaks in the copy room huffing toner:
96.7% of the people are going to ignore this ad in the first place. The other 3.3% will notice that the Impossible IQ Question here is that there is NO question. Or maybe the question is implicit. The truth is: the question is moot, this ad sucks.

The Point of Differentiation

One of the key elements to any good marketing campaign is educating your potential customer on what exactly makes your company different.
Hey, I have found this really CHEAP place where people can get TONS of offers on SPECIAL DEALS and trade their ill-informed, intractable opinions in a LOUD, OBNOXIOUS manner! That place is called... The Internet.

Please stop by for a cheap 'encouter', they desperately need a proofreader.

The Celebrity Endorsement, Part I

Often stars of stage, screen, and sport will attach their name to your product in exchange for a handsome stipend.
Other times, they won't. In which case, I recommend simply photoshopping a pair of ungainly jaundiced hands onto their image.

The Celebrity Endorsement, Part II

Celebrities are known for their lavish, glamorous lifestyles. Certainly your customer base wants to emulate them!
Unless, of course, your celebrity is a well-known comic spoofing the lavish, glamorous lifestyle and completely undercutting your message about making millions online.

(Actually, I give huge kudos to the subversive geek who put this thing together. It drips with indie-hipster irony. Either his client had no clue and got judo-chopped by their own agency or they took a calculated risk that people would click through thinking it was a parody. Of course, once they get to www.lamepyramidscheme.com, they are no longer entertained; they are simply sad and disappointed.)

Sex Sells, Part I

It's no mystery that if you want to increase clicks, you just have to include a little skin. Allow me to demonstrate.

EFFECTIVE:

NOT EFFECTIVE:

Sex Sells, Part II

Remember, this strategy is SO potent that it really doesn't matter what your product is, as long as you can attach a saucy photo of some young lady coyly leaning into the camera and adjusting her glasses.
For instance, the clear value proposition of this ad speaks to discerning customers like myself who don't realize they are paying way too much for escort service.

Sex Sells, Part III: REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY!

Sometimes it's not what you see, it's what you don't see.
I looked this one up and here are the 10 Mistakes Guys Make:
  1. Using your girlfriend's stomach as a pillow.
  2. Using your girlfriend's forehead as a tripod.
  3. Not owning your own pillow and/or tripod.
  4. Fooling around with your camera, pillow, or tripod when there is a perfectly pleasant, attractive young lady in front of you.
  5. Complementing her on her nice breasts when those are, in fact, her ribs.
  6. Persuading her to take some sexy snapshots in the bedroom and then telling her "Keep your clothes on and I don't want to see your face."
  7. Posting the resulting pictures on the internet.
  8. Posting the resulting pictures as an internet ad.
  9. Posting the resulting pictures as an internet ad and not paying her.
  10. Leaving the seat up. (RIGHT? AM I RIGHT LADIES?? RIGHT?!?)

And finally...

If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance...

It's a cobra! In a Santa hat!! With laser eyes!!!

-Tom, who has this strange compulsion to buy auto insurance.

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Comments
Congratulations on finally turning your blog into a paying proposition.

What? You mean you stuck all those ads in there for free? Hey, at least
put links on them sending the unsuspecting sucker to www.NASCRAG.org!
# Posted By Dave M. | 2/17/09 11:54 AM
That last one is passe. Laser-eye Santa cobra is so GI Joe/Atari 2600 circa 1983.

Holy shinola, Tom. You are one funny cat. You should move to Hollywood and get yourself in those moving picture shows.
# Posted By Krunk's Next Victim | 2/17/09 12:53 PM
Yes, Tom, you are right. And funny, too!
# Posted By Cara | 2/17/09 4:32 PM
Brilliant!!! My gut hurts now from laughing.
# Posted By Jeff Conrad | 2/17/09 7:52 PM
I read quickly over the "click through your site" line and I thought it read "dick through your site". Heh heh.
You forgot to mention the inferiority ploy: Is your wiener really big enough to please her? (Well, maybe the half-orc, but the other one already knows about the walnut in my pants - curses!)
You are one funny dude, Mr. Lommel, and that's high praise from the likes of me! Please continue!
# Posted By Indy | 2/17/09 8:59 PM
5. Complementing her on her nice breasts when those are, in fact, her ribs.
6. Persuading her to take some sexy snapshots in the bedroom and then telling her "Keep your clothes on and I don't want to see your face."

F-ing brilliant.
# Posted By glog | 2/18/09 7:41 AM
Saucy young ladies making $88 / hour are obviously scientists. Those glasses always give it away -remember how smart Tara Reed was was in Alone in the Dark? I'll bet she made around the same for her part-time job.
# Posted By Charbs | 2/20/09 10:27 AM
Tom, update more often! I want more content! Note: content doesn't always have to be good stuff. I want quantity when you don't have time for quality. I hate visiting your blog and seeing the same stuff from ages ago.
# Posted By DumpTruckofLove | 2/24/09 9:49 AM
I know it's slow... more updates coming. My parents were visiting this past week.
# Posted By Tom | 2/24/09 9:59 AM
We demand MORE TOM!
# Posted By Dave M. | 2/24/09 12:55 PM
Yes, Tom. Be funny for us. Dance, monkey boy. Dance!!
# Posted By glog | 2/24/09 2:26 PM
BORED! ... BORED!! ... BORED!!!
# Posted By Charbs | 2/24/09 3:05 PM
Check out my rockin' vid while you wait:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KEZb4fzBUA
# Posted By Charbs | 2/24/09 3:08 PM
"I know it's slow... more updates coming. My parents were visiting this past week."

Aaaaah. I got my fix.
# Posted By DumpTruckofLove | 2/24/09 4:19 PM
And STILL, nothing.
# Posted By glog | 2/25/09 9:21 PM
Good grief, you ingrates. Tom is:

a) By far the funniest Tom Lommel on this website.
b) Slowly recovering from a recent a computer malfunction.
c) Offering these posts free of charge, even though he's a
d) Big Hollywood Movie Star, and, by rights, should be charging you a subscription fee instead of imparting his wisdom as an act of grace to his international fandom.

So, lay off. The man has parents.
# Posted By Krunk's Next Victim | 2/26/09 7:32 AM
Ok people, update coming. The monkey is banging his typewriter as fast as he can.

Unfortunately, that's ALL he's banging.

(HEY-O!!!)
# Posted By Tom | 2/26/09 8:22 AM
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# Posted By webstagram | 3/6/19 10:16 PM
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