Special Delivery

Packed up in an old computer box, swaddled in a towel and some duct tape, they are... The Little Details.

• I have this superstition about the mailbox: the longer you wait to pick up your mail, the higher the likelihood you'll get something good.
• No facts or scientific analysis went into the formation of that belief.
• Today, IN DEFIANCE OF MY SILLY SUPERSTITIONS, I went down to the mailbox almost immediately after the mailman finished.
• It was empty. Not even a coupon flyer.
• Superstition: 1, Rational logic: 0
• In other news - Fuck you, Darwin.
• There was, however, a delightful treat left on top of the mailbox: a DVD entitled DELIVERING JUSTICE IDENTITY CRISIS - A High Noon Bullet.
• It's produced by the Postal Inspection Service, so you know it has to be good.
• I think the DVD is having an identity crisis. What's the deal with the three titles? Maybe it's really three separate movies.
  1. DELIVERING JUSTICE - Tommy Lee Jones plays haggard cop Frank Brockston, who has to choose between his belief in the system and meting out vigilante vengeance after the murder of his beloved wife. Skeet Ulrich plays brilliant-but-sadistic killer Antoine Elsen in this action-packed suspense-thriller. When they went after his family, he delivered justice... OVERNIGHT EXPRESS.
  2. Identity Crisis The world turns topsy-turvy when domineering career woman Margot Tate (Terri Hatcher) loses her high-powered job at a brokerage firm and has to teach economics at her daughter Chloe's (Vanessa Hudgens) arts high school in New York. Margot soon learns her corner-office top-down approach won't work with Chloe's hip young classmates! And then there's that matter of wry but soulful English teacher Mr. Denton... (Skeet Ulrich). A touching comedy about restoring your credit after your morals have gone bankrupt.
  3. A High Noon Bullet On the plains of Kansas, US Marshall James Padget(Tommy Lee Jones) has his hands full defending his territory from a band of lawless cattle-rustlers. When a mysterious gunman (Skeet Ulrich) shows up in town, Marshall Padget must choose between his belief in the system and letting this lone vigilante help mete out prairie justice. And then there's the matter of sultry-but-soulful harlot Sally... (Terri Hatcher). Guns will blaze, but only a high noon bullet finds its mark!
• Expect a review of DELIVERING JUSTICE IDENTITY CRISIS - A High Noon Bullet to be forthcoming.
• Unfortunately it doesn't mention an appearance by Skeet Ulrich anywhere on the DVD jacket, so I don't think it's going to live up to the hype.
• Those loglines are ridiculous, but they still sound better than going to see the new Wolverine movie.
• I forgot about the note this morning that they were shutting off the water in my building between 10 and 5.
• It's 9:48am, can you do the dishes, wash your hair, brush your teeth and run enough water for lunch in 12 minutes?
• If you microwave your meals, never leave the house, and eat off of paper towels, the bounds of that problem rapidly diminish.
• I even had time to shave.
• I had no reason to shave, but I had time to do it.
• I think God is a poor engineer: Every time I shave, I nick my Adam's apple. But women, who don't HAVE Adam's apples, don't need to shave. GET IT TOGETHER GOD!
• Actually, if I'm going to put together a list of things God should change, I'm not sure that's at the top.
• I'd probably start with my ugly toes.
• HEY-O!!! That's totally not true! World peace, world peace!
• I'm only saying that so I don't seem like a total narcissist. So, just to be clear God, the order goes:
  1. World peace.
  2. Nicer toes.
  3. Easier to shave Adam's apple.
• Yeah, that seems about right.
• This weekend I decided to throw in this hilarious new bit in the show, where I bang my head on the top of the bar. I did it about sixteen times. It was awesome.
• Now I have, as they say, a contusion.
• Fortunately for me, I work in an industry where your appearance is unimportant.
• If it was important, I'd shave and wash my hair every day, right?
• I'd also wear pants.
• I TOTALLY HAVE PANTS ON RIGHT NOW, DO NOT PANIC.
• ...but I might not be wearing a shirt.
• Working From Home: It's like someone crossed Strip Poker with Russian Roulette.
• If you ever decide to drop by my apartment, you might want to call first.
• To be fair, most days I put on clothes. I only sit around with my shirt off when the harsh light of your evil yellow sun tries to incinerate me through the living room windows.
• If that's going to be the case, you'd think the least it could do is give me some decent superpowers.
• Like nicer toes.

-Tom, who's going to go see if the water's back on.