Celebrity Zombies

Rising from the grave of my subconscious and shambling toward the bright light of your computer in an inexorable quest to eat your brain, these are...

...The Little Details.

• Actual thought that actually crossed my mind today: Do I look retarded enough to play this role?
• I decided: no.
• Call it hubris, but I suspect they're going to go with someone who's a little more extreme on the character side of things.
• That's the polite way of saying "more retarded looking."
• Although to be honest, if you have a mental disability and you're trying to make it as an actor, do you really need a jackass like ME competing for your job?
• Again, I've decided: no.
• So far this blog is reminding me of the time in college where the professor busted me for setting up straw man arguments, posing a leading question at the end of a paragraph, and then answering that question with the next paragraph.
• I thought it was a brilliant way to make a transition, he thought it was lame.
• As long as none of you are college professors, I feel like I'm firmly ensconced in the "brilliant!" camp.
• We may have a problem since at least one or two of you actually ARE college professors.
• Please grade on a curve.
• I think I'm losing weight, and I blame the play I'm in. Six hours of singing and dancing every week apparently does wonders for the physique.
• Which is somewhat surprising since those six hours are generally accompanied by nine hours of sitting on my ass in a bar.
• On the other hand, I don't drink that much. When you talk as much as I do, it's hard to pour fluid into your face without a) drowning or b) spraying the other people at the table.
• Surefire way to develop hearing loss or a great deal of patience: sit at a table with a bunch of theatre people.
• Average conversational content at a table with a bunch of theatre people:
  • 65% - Complaining
  • 25% - Improvising
  • 10% - Improvised Complaining
• Yes, that means that 65% of the complaining is rehearsed.
• Anyone who's been to the bar with us two nights in a row knows that.
• Lately the bar we frequent has turned into quite the celebrity-watching nook: within the past month I've seen James Denton, Hugh Laurie, and Ryan Stiles.
• I suspect my female readership just wet their pants, wet their pants again, and then went "WHO?"
• Except for my mom, who - if she was more in the know about celebrities - would be excited that I saw the neighbor guy from Two And A Half Men.
• For that matter, I was really excited to see the neighbor guy from Two And A Half Men. Mostly because he's also the dude from Whose Line Is It Anyway?
• NO, I DID NOT SEE WAYNE BRADY.
• NO, NOT DREW CAREY. I ALREADY TOLD YOU WHO I SAW! GOSH!
• There's a reason LA people seem so jaded. Celebrities are like Fight Club.
  First Rule of Celebrities: DON'T TALK TO CELEBRITIES.
• They're there in their civilian guise and probably just want to be left alone to enjoy their evening like a normal human being. If you want to make a celebrity disappear from your favorite hangout, just talk to them, ask to take a picture, and nag them. Also, prepare to be needlessly offended when they don't finish the beer you send over to their table.
• I haven't done any of that, but I've seen it happen.
• Also, none of this applies if you are a hot chick. But then again, most of the normal laws of the universe don't apply to you if you're a hot chick.
• (Although: Do they REALLY get fewer speeding tickets? I think that only happens in The Cannonball Run)
• I was mildly tempted to talk to Hugh Laurie, but only to say "I loved you on The Young Ones, Bambi is one of my favorite episodes!"
• He probably doesn't get that a lot.
• Tom Lommel: comedy nerd.
• No, I'm not sure why there's a qualifying adjective in front of that noun either.
• Speaking of nerd...
• The Law of Zombies: There are always more zombies.
• I'm kind of obsessed with zombies lately. Which makes me feel SO 2007.
• If I was cool, I'd be into vampires.
• I'd also be a 15 year-old girl.
• I wonder what percentage of jobs I've lost because of my giant canine vampire teeth. I'm going to guess: 10%
• The other 65% I lost to rehearsed complaining.
• Actual thought that actually crossed my mind today: Is it "giant vampire canine teeth" or "giant canine vampire teeth?"
• These are the sort of big-picture issues that nag you when you're a famous celebrity blogger.
• Me? I worry about what I'm going to have for breakfast.
• Vampires have always been cool. Remember that Anne Rice woman? She made some money off of vampires.
• Zombies, on the other hand, have been pretty lame up until recently.
• Now they have their own public events and meet-ups.
• When was the last time you went on a VAMPIRE pub crawl?
• Wow, that is an awesome idea. I need to start that.
• Unfortunately, the largest segment of the target audience can't drink. Or legally drive a motorized vehicle.
• Maybe I should start vampire sleepovers, but there's two problems with that: 1)It sounds incredibly g-d creepy and 2)Vampires only sleep in coffins.
• Note to self: Design a line of coffin-shaped sleeping bags. BANK!
• Note to paranoid, possibly litigious weirdo readers: Vampire Sleepover is a game that should only be played between two consenting adults in the privacy of their own home.
• Note to everyone else: If you do it right, it sounds pretty fun, huh?
• As we say in my D&D game: "At this point, the adventure took a dark turn."

-Tom, who's going to go see if his worries about breakfast were justified.