A Night of ADVENTURE Returns!

The nerdy little joys of Dungeons & Dragons are many and varied -- some would say, too numerous to list.

Nonetheless, that's not going to stop me from trying to describe the magic of our latest gaming session.

• The first two hours of "gaming" are spent:
  1. Eating.
  2. Reviewing the week.
  3. Discussing the etiquette involved in setting up a four-way with you, your wife, and another couple.
• I'm not clear on all the specific details, but that doesn't seem like the kind of arrangement you want to seal with the phrase "Whatever happens, happens, dude."
• Tonight's adventure: Return to the House of Endless Golems.
• When we last left our heroes, they had defeated a wizard and his trained demon pet and proceeded to loot his enormous mansion which was well-stocked with magical guardians and a variety of traps.
• DM's note: If you include more than one trap in a mansion, prepare to spend the rest of the night watching the players check every square inch of the place for traps.
• Players' note: Don't put the least experienced, most impulsive player of the group in the front of the party.
• Unless you like rolling for initiative. A lot.
• Once you roll for initiative, you'll find out you've just interrupted a card game between a dretch, a werewolf, an ettercap, a myconid, a golem, a green slime, and a frosthawk. And the frosthawk is getting owned.
• It's poker night at the House of Golems.
• Initial response to the scene: How does a green slime play cards?
• Second response: What's the buy-in?
• You'll never get an answer to either of those questions because the bad guys will immediately upset the card table and start wailing on you.
• One word you never want to hear: "websplosion."
• Six words you never want to hear: "Anyone's Reflex save above a 27?"
• Twelve words you never want to hear: "Is there anybody who has a Fortitude save of 20 or higher?"
• Apparently it's not so much a poker game as it is a harmonic convergence of words you never want to hear.
• If the werewolf runs away from you, you might think it's because you look so badass.
• Note: Just because you have a fancy throwing star and can do double backflips down a hallway does not make you a badass. -Crashing through the wall in giant man-wolf form and biting some hapless elf on the neck? THAT is badass.
• Mid-combat, you get another update on four-way etiquette. High-fives: TOTALLY allowed.
• The question that answers itself: "It's an encounter power, how often are you going to use it?"
• For you non-gamers: once an encounter.
• "Encounter power" sounds like the name of a really horrible website where you'd go to set up a four-way between you, your wife, and another couple.
• It's very possible that this is my dirtiest blog ever.
• Sorry, mom!
• Maybe it will put her mind at ease that my role in this whole four-way business is strictly in an advisory capacity.
• And I mean that purely in the useless "student advisor" sense of the word and not the active participant "military advisor" sense of the word.
• Although, if the Barack Obama needs to send a Dungeons & Dragons advisor abroad, I stand ready to serve.
• My first piece of advice: Don't break up a card game between a dretch, a werewolf, an ettercap, a myconid, a golem, a green slime, and a frosthawk. That frosthawk will own you.
• It's this sort of insightful gaming wisdom that will break the back of Al-Qaeda.
• If you're a hapless elf who's not particularly badass, you can become more badass by having a werewolf bite you in the neck and put you into a crazy moon frenzy.
• You might think that, but then you'd notice that the crazy moon frenzy doesn't do anything about your 7 Strength.
• For you non-gamers: 7 Strength? -Not badass. SO not badass. I'm lucky I can blow my own nose without help.
• Two hours into the actual "gaming" gaming, the combat/card game would be over, but a third of the players have turned into werewolves and are busy limply flogging their impotent limbs against the rest of the party.
• The party will then proceed to magic missile them directly to death's door.
• It's very possible this is my nerdiest blog ever.
• Sorry, mom!
• Let's be honest: Dungeons & Dragons is just the geek equivalent of a sweaty, ill-planned four-way -- but with dice.
• Whatever happens, happens, dude! ...High-five!

-Tom, who's off to go register encounterpower.com.