The NIGHT OF ADVENTURE Continues

It's another recap in the ongoing misadventures of my crazy Hollywood D&D game.

Tonight's episode: Return to the Return to the House of Endless Golems

Technically, we never left.

• First up, unfinished business from last week: WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE FOUR-WAY?
• The answer is short and boring: There was no four-way.
• It turns out that having a four-way may, in fact, affect your relationship with your wife.
• In fact, just talking about a four-way may affect your relationship with your wife.
• None of this is a surprise to anyone who ever listened to ten minutes of Love Line.
• Curiosity sated, it's time to move on to the Dungeons and the Dragons.
• When we last left our heroes, they were busy raiding the mansion of the evil wizard they killed.
• The wizard, like all good wizards, has a laboratory in his mansion.
• The laboratory, like all good laboratories, is completely incomprehensible to our party.
• We spend 15 minutes playing with a complicated tank-and-bellows apparatus that turns out to be... a fire hose.
• There are no immediate consequences, but somehow it seems like it will turn out to be a bad idea that the entire party drained all of their waterskins to test the giant fire hose.
• The room next to the laboratory is a nursery.
• I thought it was a room filled with babies, but the Dungeon Master tells us it's filled with plants.
• Can't we compromise and have it filled with baby plants?
• No, we can't. Dungeon Masters do NOT compromise... out loud.
• Around the corner from the disappointingly-named nursery is a jacuzzi.
• It's unclear if we killed a wizard, or Donald Trump.
• This suspicion will be further reinforced when you open the special showroom with four gold-inlaid carriages cordoned off behind velvet ropes.
• Someone better be going home with a magical hairpiece by the end of the night or this adventure will be a complete failure.
• It turns out that wizard Donald Trump has a staff of two-dozen undead servitors just hanging out in his bedroom.
• You'd think some of them would be hanging out in the jacuzzi.
• Actually, I'd think that, but then again, I think a nursery is a room filled with babies.
• Those two-dozen undead servitors aren't just hanging out, they're hanging out WAITING TO ATTACK YOU.
• One hit and 11 points of damage later, you decide they're doing a pretty good job.
• Apparently wizard Donald Trump only reanimates the BEST contestants from Celebrity Apprentice to serve as his undead bedroom attendants.
• Hopefull we don't have to fight zombie Joan Rivers, we're only level 3.
• I think I just grossed myself out with the term "undead bedroom attendants." Either that, or I came up with the name of the world's most awesome goth/ska band.
• Your Guide to Good D&D Etiquette: Never lick yogurt off your Dungeon Master.
• Actually, that's just generally good advice.
• Anyone who's listened to ten minutes of Love Line knows that.
• The 24-piece goth/ska band is doing their best to dismember you. Fortunately you have a plan to drop that portable fire hose into the jacuzzi, cast a blessing, and spray zombie Joan Rivers down with an undead-eating water cannon.
• Unfortunately, you may not survive that long.
• Just when things look their bleakest, you remember that last session you found a magic item that enables you to clone yourself and three of your closest friends.
• I *guess* that's better than a magic toupe...
• Although if you're bald and you clone yourself, you're now TWICE as bald. Maybe it's not better.
• Paragraph Three, Page 257 from the D&D Survival Guide:Two bald guys are better than one hairy dead guy.
• Everything I learned about D&D, I learned from listening to Love Line.
• File under Things That Have Never Been Said In Any Other D&D Game: "Why is there yogurt on this book?"
• This was quickly followed by: "You smell like Gwyneth Paltrow."
• In the interests of preserving my dignity, I can't tell you what happened next.
• Hey, you know what's not twice as good as one hairy dead guy? --One dying bald guy, and one bald magical clone that's going to disappear at the end of next round.
• Someone get on that magical fire hose!
• That's never been said on Love Line, but I think I might have heard it last year in Vegas.
• HEY-O!
• If you're going to give a guy a magical fire hose, you might want to make sure that the guy can roll higher than a 1 when he attacks.
• You might also want to make sure he has more than 9 hit points.
• The magical fire hose doesn't do you any good if it's randomly flailing around after ripping itself from the hands of the guy who no longer has 9 hit points.
• The reason magical clones exist: To heal the original character that's rapidly bleeding to death.
• Once the magical clone has fulfilled its purpose, it winks out of existence. What's one half-dead bald guy worth?
• If he has a 7 Strength and needs to make DC 15 Strength check to wrangle the magical flailing holy hose, not much.
• What follows is a whole bunch of hose jokes that I, frankly, don't have the stomach to repeat here.
• 45 minutes and a bunch of hit points later, the party is victorious.
• Once you're victorious, the impulsive member of the party will try to set all the treasure on fire.
• Just when you thought you were done with the hose...

-Tom, half-bald mostly alive guy.