10 Instances Where I Need To Borrow Your Sword

It recently occurred to me that, despite my lengthy nerd pedigree and fervent interest in Dungeons & Dragons, I do not own a sword.

Lead goblins? -Check.
Aluminum space pistol? -Got it.
Replica borg cube? -DUH.
Plastic lightsaber handle? -Yes, BUT that's not a sword. Everyone knows a lightsaber handle isn't any good unless it's secretly stashed inside a droid you plan to have captured and turned into a mechanical bartender aboard the sandbarge which will be conveniently parked nearby to witness your impending execution via excruciatingly slow digestion/starvation.

(I don't get why Jabba didn't just hang the guy by his toes, brush him with vinegar, and not feed him - it's the same effect. But Jabba clearly had a flair for the dramatic. It turned out to be his undoing, but it also gave us Princess Leia in that slave costume. Win-win all around if you're a jedi and/or horny 13-year-old boy.)

All of this points to the fact that not owning a sword is a severe oversight on my part. There are times when you NEED a sword.

Can I borrow yours?

Instance Nbr. 1: Business meetings.
Sure, accessorizing that suit with a nice tie tack, pocketwatch, or set of cuff links displays a certain sense of style, but nothing says "I'M ALL BUSINESS" like a fine longsword hanging from your belt. It implies nobility, authority, and an unabashed willingness to do things the old-fashioned way -- where 'the old-fashioned way' involves the severing of a limb and/or severe amounts of rapid blood loss.

Note that you can also wear a katana with most suits, but then when someone hands you their business card you will be obligated to cut it cleanly in half, scream a battlecry, and disappear in a puff of smoke.

Instance Nbr. 2: The Wal-Mart 10-Items-Or-Less Checkout Lane

Dear sir with the 20 items in his shopping cart,

You may think that putting ten items on the register belt, placing that flimsy plastic bar between them, and then putting your remaining ten items on the belt may obey the 10-items-or-less policy.

In which case, you won't mind if I use this sword to remove the fingers of your left hand and place them in the palm of your right hand. By your math, you still have two hands and five fingers each.

Best regards,
-Tom

Instance Nbr. 3: Auditions
Want to put an end to the inane chatter, nervous small-talk, or pompous bloviating of those irritating actors sitting in the waiting room while you patiently await your turn to be called? Try unsheathing your claymore, getting out a whetstone, and sharpening the blade as you slowly scan the room with an unblinking, 1000-yard stare.

Instance Nbr. 4: Callbacks
Nothing impresses a director and a roomful of ad agency people at a callback more than boldly marching into the room, raising your sword over your head and shouting "IIiiiiiiii HAAAAaaaavvve THHE POWERRrrrrrr!!!" while lightning strikes you repeatedly.

If you can transform from a meek, slightly effeminate prince into a brawny, heroic warrior right then and there, so much the better.

Instance Nbr. 5: Stop-And-Go Traffic
Self-explanatory.

Instance Nbr. 6: The Movies
Oddly enough, people don't ask "Is this seat taken?" if you have an Indian tulwar embedded in the cushion. Take your time getting popcorn.

Instance Nbr. 7: The Grocery Store
What transports a watermelon, three heads of lettuce, a pound of hamburger and a loaf of sheperds' bread?

Three grocery bags, or one 16th-century German Doppelhänder. Reduce, reuse, recycle!

Instance Nbr. 8: The Beach
Two words: Sharks. Pirates.

Instance Nbr. 9: Any Time You Are Around A Boy Under The Age Of Ten And It's Not Time To Eat Or Go To Bed
The plastic or foam varieties of sword are preferred here. Bonus points if they have built-in water pistols.

Note that you should be prepared to come home with bruised shins.

Instance Nbr. 10: Whenever You Are Not On A Date
As I believe I've aptly demonstrated, the everyday utility of a sword is unmatched. Beware, however, of casually buckling on that sword-belt as you prepare for a romantic outing. Nothing says "I'm compensating for something" like two scimitars hanging from your waist.

-Tom, off to the grocery store, and then maybe the beach, and the movies. Hopefully there's no stop-and-go traffic.