What's The Message?
Recently, Southern Comfort announced it's ditching cable tv and magazine advertising and spending it's $10 million ad budget on Facebook and Hulu.
I hope they are smarter about their online ads than these people were.
Let's start with the inevitable typo.
Either someone transposed an 'i' here or this is that special "Chrisitan" religion that only holds mass on the beach. Judging from the picture, maybe that last option is right. Also, you can only join if your name is "Chris" or "Chrisi."
And am I the only one who finds the site name a little creepy? "JCMatch.com"?
Having trouble finding that special lady, man? Head on over to JCMatch.com, and JC (or, "The Jeez" as we like to call him) will totally hook you up.
I can never remember if this is the Hawaiian "hang loose" or the heavy metal devil horns. All I know is this is NOT what you do after you hook up with three blonds.
What you do is high-five all of them, then high-five yourself.
Then you blog about it.
Okay, let's just entertain for one moment the preposterous possibility that this IS, in fact, a bikini and NOT a lamp in someone's living room.
Ummm... Miss, or -- GOD FORBID -- Sir, I have a few questions for you:
- Where is this beach? From what I can tell, it's either Antarctica or the surface of the sun.
- Shaving, waxing, or Nair? -Whatever the answer, I applaud your nearly-obsessive thoroughness and attention to detail.
- WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY IS THAT WEIRD SPLOTCHY MARK ON YOUR LEG? I'm guessing: tattoo gone horribly wrong or: passed out drunk at a frat party and got Sharpie'd.
Ok, now let's all regain a little bit of sanity and move on, safe in the knowledge it's actually a plant and a lamp in the living room.
Hillary Clinton is googling you. With her high-tech Google hot dog.
Because when our Secretary of State isn't scrapping it up with delegates from North Korea, she's at a baseball game. Eating. And wondering how many page views your blog gets.
Ok, when you start shaving like this, you have bigger issues than how much you're shaving.
I don't know if this is an ad for hair removal or Pink Floyd's The Wall.
Ok, okay - we lied. Hillary Clinton is NOT eating a hot dog at a Cubs game and searching for you. THIS guy is. And he's doing it from the public library. One-handed.
Don't you want to know who he is?
Explain to me how this picture says "We Need Men" because, from what I see here, they DON'T need men. They're getting along just fine WITHOUT men. In fact, if you add a man to this situation, he's just going to high-five all of you, and then high-five himself.
And then blog about it.
For once, there's nothing wrong with the picture, and there's no typo. No, the issue here is a GRAVELY-misguided attempt to be poetic.
(And trust me, I know all about that. HEY-O!)
It starts out fine: 100% Angus beef, FREE hot dog... nice! And then you find out: it's "bathed in our famous chili."
Mmmm... chili bath.... Because there's nothing more appetizing than soaking in a huge tub filled with warm, brown, greasy chili. Settle in with both cheeks, fellas, those are lumps of 100% Angus beef caressing your friendlies!
Dear copywriter: You're fired.
I would really like to find the proof sheet from this session and get a look at the photos they decided were TOO sexy to put on the web.
Hey, we get some truth in advertising here:
Hello, lonely bachelor who can't get hooked up by JC or is frustrated that Mate1.com seems to be populated exclusively by lesbians. We have good news for you!
Using DreamMarriage.com, we will find a beautiful Russian lady friend to be your beautiful, legally-binding wife and future US citizen! She will then proceed to sit around all day, half-dressed, distant and bored. While you are working 70-hour weeks to support her exorbitant shopping habits, she will be home in your cluttered one-bedroom apartment, not cooking and sending thousands of text messages to her friend Petra in Tallahassee, Florida.
Not working out the way you imagined?
First: Let us remind you that you are the loser whose annoying habits, stubborn personality, and lack of personal hygiene left you no options other than paying for an arranged marriage, so buck up and be grateful!
Second: If you are still not satisfied, just visit our easy-to-use partner site, FortyDollarDivorceAndDeportation.com!*
*International legal fees and process/handling charges may increase final bill to more than 40 dollars.
And finally, a little bit of the absurd...
IT'S A SQUIRREL!
WHO KNOWS YOUR CREDIT SCORE!
HE MUST BE SMART, HE HAS A BOWTIE AND GLASSES!
IT'S A SQUIRREL!!
-Tom, off to go if The Jeez can hook him up.
I was disqualified under protest when they inadvertently threw a flashcard of a hat rack on me in the bikini-backs in the round-robin qualifier.
You would have thought it was Dana Plato in a unitard, too.
Who else shifts through your garbage with such regularity?
(I was going to make some kind of Until Someone Wakes Up joke, but I just can't go there. You can imagine it on your own time.)