Unusual Suspects

I spent most of last month doing some extra work -- or to use the politically correct term, "background."

Background work occupies this weird nether-space where you have to act, but you don't have to audition. Think about what that means: the level of competence required is so low, they expect anyone can do it. SIGHT UNSEEN.

Needless to say, this attracts a variety of people. Some are legitimate actors filling in a paycheck. Some are gawkers who like to see how the movies are made. And some of them... are nutjobs.

This blog is about the latter category.

Hurricane
Hurricane is in his 50s. Hurricane knows three different kinds of martial arts "and not the BULLSHIT kinds." Hurricane has a couple tattoos and too much tan. Hurricane probably did not shower today. Hurricane is worried because Hurricane did not get broken for lunch promptly at 1 o'clock and Hurricane thinks Hurricane's kitty may be baking to death in his motorhome out in the parking lot. Hurricane needs to bum a smoke from you if that's cool for which Hurricane will totally pay you back tomorrow, man. Hurricane has some weed if you want to stop by later.

Dingus and Doodle
Dingus and Doodle did not know each other prior to working on set, but they instantly bonded over their mutual enthusiasm for the obvious. They are writing a script together and have gone so far as to check out The Complete Guide To Screenwriting from the library, which they take turns reading aloud and affirming every time there's a good tip. "Write stuff on notecards, that's totally good."

Dingus and Doodle aren't just writing ANY screenplay, however. They are writing a TOTALLY ORIGINAL adventure comedy. Which is true: you have not heard any idea like this idea. Because this idea involves pirates. Pirates attacking Ireland. Specifically, pirates attacking leprechauns in Ireland.

"And then, we pull back into a wide shot and it turns out -- all the leprechauns are on SHETLAND PONIES."

It's at this point I weigh the possibility I am either in the presence of two of the dumbest human beings on the planet, or am being pranked by people of Borat-level genius.

It's probably the former, but I'm really, REALLY hoping for the latter.

Bride of Dingus
"This is totally great because I'm totally falling in love with my wife again," says Dingus in a flat, unaffected way that makes you think he has some kind of psychiatric disorder. "We were separated for a while and other women are just flakes."

"Flakes? Flakes how?" says Doodle.

"Like, I went out with these women, like grips and stuff, and we'd go out once and then they'd never call me back. You know, FLAKES."

flake, (noun): Someone who does not want to end up rufied and tied to a second-hand piece of exercise equipment in a dingy studio apartment in Canoga Park.

The Bride of Dingus is materialistic and dumpy. But not every aspect of her personality says WINNER. She's also demanding and likes naps. Given her tenuous grasp of the English language, you have the strong suspicion this marriage may have involved two plane tickets, 80 emails, four thousand dollars, and an eight-day courtesy tour/honeymoon in St. Petersburg.

"She is totally going to be a star," beams Dingus, "Think about it. There's no one else in the biz LIKE HER."

This is one point you have to concede.

Banana Man
"Hey man, how many different kinds of animals are in a woman's pants?"
"Ummmm, I dunno. (I'm not sure I want to know. Do I want to know?? Why am I having this conversation? Why me? What are you punishing me for, God? WHAT?) Ummm. How many?"
"An ass, a pussy, some hares, a bunch of crabs, and a dead fish no one can find."

We worked with the 2nd unit team for a total of three days. By the end of day three, all the women on the crew knew exactly who you were talking about if you said "Banana Man."

Droopy
Droopy wants to know why we were brought on set when they CLEARLY aren't ready. Droopy wants to know what's taking so long. Droopy wants this shot to be over so we can move on to the next shot. Droopy wants to know what time you think we'll get out. Droopy wants to know why they can't move faster.

Droopy fails to realize we're getting paid by the hour, not by the complaint.

Lambo Man
Lambo Man drives a Lamborghini (no, really, he does - and it looks just as ridiculous in extras parking as you think it would). Lambo Man has some VERY IMPORTANT connections with the producers. In fact, he was SUPPOSED to have 12 lines in the movie after he fixed Terrence Howard's credit and helped the guy buy a house, but then Terry decided to hold out for more money last year and the studio said "Hey look, Don Cheadle's available" and THAT was the end of THAT.

Lambo Man does not care about continuity, he cares about getting on camera. This movie is not about people being in the same place at the same time for all the different shots unless the same people are Lambo Man and the same place is RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA. That is continuity.

Lambo Man is a study in hubris. He insists on being right in front of the camera for a key special effects shot where they blow the roof off a car. He IS wearing a helmet, but only because that's part of his costume. He refuses to wear the visor.

"Hey man, anyone in this shot needs to have eye protection," says the 2nd AD.

Lambo Man feigns ignorance and paws at his helmet like a confused circus bear. "Is there a visor? I don't know how this works..." he mumbles.

"Well figure it out or you can't be in the shot," says the AD.

Insight suddenly springs up inside Lambo Man's "Just For Men"-coated skull. "I got it," he says and puts the visor down the bare minimum amount -- just covering his nose.

"Okay, keep it like that," mutters the AD as he walks away.

Two minutes later, the visor is up.

"Hey, man. Man! I get it, I get it. I really get it," rattles off the 2nd AD as he runs over to Lambo Man, "but I really need you to put your visor down if you're going to be in this shot. There's going to be broken glass EVERYWHERE. What's your action?"

"I'm just backing up like this..." says Lambo Man, feebly waving his arms in a bizarre semblance of crowd control which looks more like he's having some sort of exhaustion-induced seizure.

"Ok, yeah -- that doesn't work because you have your face pointed RIGHT AT the windshield where all the glass is exploding. You gotta have your visor down."

"Right. Yes. They say 'rolling,' it'll be down."

"Okay, because seriously - if I see you one more time without eye protection, I'm sending you home."

Unfortunately, he did not get sent home. But they almost towed his car.

Papa Smurf
He's not blue, he doesn't have a beard, and he isn't wise or jolly, but if you saw him you'd go - yep, that's Papa Smurf.

Papa Smurf has the pathological inability to pay attention. Shot's over? He's got his helmet off, or is going to the restroom, or wandering to craft services, or maybe sitting on the $6000 Vespa and trying the horn or starting it up. (At least until one of the PA's wanders through and removes the keys from every single one.)

The best part? Papa Smurf is unapologetic about it. "Where were you after lunch?" asks one of the 2nd ADs.

"Out in the back having a cigarette. What's the big deal? Did you need something?"

The Attention Whores
The Attention Whores are pretty, if you like boobs. (And who's not a fan? No, that was a rhetorical question, no need to comment. My Google footprint is weird enough the way it is.)

Unfortunately, if you like boobs and a personality, you're going to be disappointed. Unless that personality is "shallow and needy."

The Attention Whores gather men like a dead cat gathers crows. At one point, one of the LAY-DIEZ has two other guys sniffing around while a third dude gives her a backrub for FORTY-FIVE minutes.

"Still at it, huh?" says Papa Smurf as he approaches. "The good news is, it looks like she's enjoying it,"

"Actually, it kind of hurts," she winces.

You know what else hurts? MY SOUL. And no amount of backrubs or boobs will fix that.

Number of Attention Whores: 2
Number of Days on Set: 13
Number of Hook-ups: 9
Classiness: 100%

It's those types of encounters that make me consider taking a eight-day courtesy tour of St. Petersburg.

-Tom, who went on a 13-day tour of Downey, CA instead.