Secret of the NIGHT OF ADVENTURE

Six adventurers.
Two DMs.
One hot summer night in Hollywood.

After a week off for Gen Con, it's time break out the dice, dust off the rulebooks, and set sail for another NIGHT OF ADVENTURE.

• Our pre-game chit-chat involves naming as many movies as we can that won the Oscar for Best Picture and are NOT World War II movies.
• The short list:
  • A League of Their Own
  • The Constant Gardener
  • C.H.U.D. 2
  • My Super Ex-Girlfriend
  • A League of Their Own
  • Any movie starring Bill Murray.
• This list may not be definitive.
• Or, you know... accurate.
• It's hot in Los Angeles. (FACT: "Los Angeles" is Spanish for "Wow it's hot.") One of the DMs suggests that tonight's session be a special installment of Shirtless D&D.
• This is immediately shot down by EVERYONE ELSE AT THE TABLE.
• That doesn't stop the DM from proceeding to remove his shirt.
• Yet another reason I will never do a photo-blog of this game.
• Cowed into submission by the sight of our shirtless DM, the game begins in earnest.
• We lead off with a short recap (apparently nobody reads my blog) and then start in with THE ROLEPLAYING.
• You know THE ROLEPLAYING is not going very well when the DM says "Okay, so you guys don't really say any of this, do you?"
• Turns out our roleplaying is a lot like listing a bunch of movies that won the Oscar for Best Picture and were NOT World War II movies.
• We roleplay like Bill Murray!
• Next week we are going to do a D&D rendition of The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou.
• I call dibs on the Jeff Goldblum role!
• Angelica Huston is going to be played by a Type V demon.
• The session starts with a thorough looting of the Island of the Pirate Slave Lords whom we ruthlessly slaughtered last time.
• It says something about the morality of D&D when you free two goblins from slavery and you debate whether to list them on your character sheet as "Allies" or "Treasure."
• When the goblins say they'll only work for you for 5gp/day, you decide to list them under "Liabilities."
• We decide to loot the rest of the island while the goblins fill out their W-2s.
• After searching the Wizard Lord of the Pirates's bedroom (Solid oak! Nice!) we head to a building called "The Counting Room."
• Sounds promising... We lick our chops in anticipation of phat slaver loot.
• Apparently The Counting Room is not The STORING Room as it is completely devoid of slaver loot, phat or otherwise. But we do find a bunch of cheap jewelry.
• Just as we finish sorting and appraising the cheap jewelry, the freed slaves insist on having their "family heirlooms" returned to them.
• Whatever. Hey, you don't NEED to have a wedding ring to be married! I, on the other hand, need to have a healing potion to be alive.
• The slaves throw a huge pity party and we begrudgingly agree to return their "family heirlooms."
• Once again, I move a pile of items from the "Treasure" column to the "Liabilities" column.
• Some days it just doesn't pay to free slaves.
• After handing out our modest pile of liabilities (apparently you can be married two or three times if you're a slave) we do some digging in the sand and find a magic lamp.
• File under "COINCIDENCE": Barbara Eden turns 75 today!
• A magic lamp is like a ripening zit -- there's no way you're not going to rub it.
• A giant clam with a pirate hat pops out.
• I'm not kidding. Did I mention he's smoking a stogey?
• I don't think Major Nelson is going to be able to pass this one off as his wife.
• The magical pirate clam offers us three "boons." A boon is just like a wish in the same way that Pabst NA is just like beer: all flavor and very little substance.
• Possible boons that are discussed:
  • Magically restore the size of the cursed halfling's feet.
  • Restore the cursed elven ranger's body hair.
  • Create a magical cigarette that never burns away. (That might be its own curse.)
  • Increase the power of our magical sleeping bags.
  • Create a doppelganger so the warden character can sleep with himself.
  • Rip a hole in the space-time continuum that leads to an alternate universe populated exclusively by LADIES.
• 6 party members + 3 boons = 1 magical pirate clam that goes back in the lamp due to indecision.
• Plus we don't want to make Dr. Bellows suspicious.
• Yeah, I'm not too proud to make a joke that goes all the way back to 1965! I Dream of Jeannie is a cultural icon!
• ICON!
• Fact: Barbara Eden was never allowed to show her navel. It's like Lauren Conrad's career: You think you see it, but it's not really there.
• So here's a question: If you "wish" for a wish, do you "boo" for a boon?
• Well then why are you making that noise?
• I just hope you don't think I'm going to restore your hair or your tiny, tiny halfing feet.
• Get your own magical clam!
• As our final piece of looting the island, we find a treasure map. It leads back to the giant monkey island we JUST came from.
• We all load ourselves back into the sailing ship we liberated from that necromancer and head off to Skull Island.
• I'm really hoping we don't get attacked by pirates.
• I can't afford to lose any more money freeing slaves.

-Tom, who's pretty sure you're all just saying "Boooooooooon!"