Isle of the Dread Night of ADVENTURE!

When we last left our heroes, they had ransacked the Hidden Fortress of the Pirate Slavers, emancipated two goblins from a life of slavery to a more fulfilling life of goblin indentured servitude, and found a magic lamp that might just hold the cure to baldness and chronically under-sized feet.

That's right, we put the "er..." in "hero!"

It's time for another NIGHT OF ADVENTURE!

• The pre-game chit-chat is remarkable for its complete lack of pre-game chit-chat.
• It's more remarkable in that the stand-up comic in the group has decided to role-play and not just shout stuff like "I THIRD LEVEL ENCOUNTER POWER YOU!".
• Like, for instance, he actually has a backstory.
• Granted, in order to reprogram him, the two DMs had to drag him out to Paradise Valley, Arizona and make him shoot shotguns in front of a giant statue of Barry Goldwater, but hey -- if that's what it takes to get a backstory, that's what it takes. Who cares if Barry Goldwater is missing a couple of fingers?
• Just to clarify, to the best of my knowledge (and legally-binding testimony), Barry Goldwater still has all his fingers.
• ...The baldness and the tiny, tiny feet, on the other hand, are his own problem.
• The party retrieved a treasure map from the Dire Island of the Ultra Nasty Mean Slaver Pirates With Bad Breath. The map shows three things: a giant ape, a giant Godzilla monster, and an 'X' for treasure in between.
• It's at this point I regret we do not have any ladies in the party.
• I also regret that we do not have the Japanese army, the Empire State Building, or a giant statue of Barry Goldwater.
• If anyone can kick King Kong's ass, it's a giant bronze Barry Goldwater.
• Peter Jackson, I hope you're taking notes for the remake of the sequel.
• We slog our way through the thick jungle undergrowth, making a beeline for the little 'X' on the map.
• We encounter a patrol of lizardmen.
• The comic's PC attempts to parley! "Do you want to hear my backstory?" he shouts.
• The lizardmen don't care how much money he owes his ex-wife, they get out their clubs and attack.
• So much for role-playing.
• As we battle the lizardmen, it becomes clear that they are not ACTUALLY lizardmen and are really savage humans dressed up as lizardmen.
• Apparently we have stumbled onto the site of the world's most primitive furry convention.
• We then proceed to duly slaughter them with exuberant zeal and gusto.
• Really, if you can't murder a bunch of neanderthal cave-dwellers who like to have sex in makeshift tiger suits, who CAN you murder?
• Well unfortunately we couldn't find any inbred Nazis who write Kirk-on-Spock slash fic.
• And once again, my Google footprint gets a little bit weirder.
• Irony, defined: After we get done slaughtering the tribesmen, we have a long discussion where we debate putting on their lizardman costumes.
• Meanwhile, I take a few moments to jot down some notes about that time Kirk and Spock got stranded on that shuttle from Tau Ceti IV with a shipment of peacock dresses for the admiral's annual costume ball.
• In the end, we abandon the plan to don the natives' ritualistic garb. Besides, the halfling makes a pretty poor lizardman. Kobold maybe, but no lizardman. Not with those tiny feet.
• We should really do something about that.
• A few more hours of slogging through the jungle and we arrive at the X-marks-the-spot.
• Turns out X also marks the giant ape. Kong is bathing in front of the secret cave that holds our treasure.
• POSSIBLE PLANS TO ELIMINATE/DISTRACT KONG:
  1. Stealth Ambush. (REJECTED. Probably suicide.)
  2. All-out Assault. (REJECTED. Definitely suicide.)
  3. Summon 60-foot Mechanized Goldwater. (REJECTED. Improbable AND suicidal -- No guarantee Goldwater will not turn on us. Especially after that incident with the shotgun and the finger.)
  4. Set Jungle Ablaze. (REJECTED. Lacking explosives and proper amounts of accelerant, i.e. 40,000 gallons of diesel fuel and tar.)
  5. Find, Anger Godzilla Creature. DING! DING! DING! DING! We have a winner!
• Amazing what the process of elimination will do for you.
• Our brilliant plan firmly in place, we set off to find a 90-foot lizard creature that breathes nuclear fire. Because we don't want to fight a giant ape.
• As we slink off toward the spot on the map marked "90-foot Nuclear Fire-breathing Lizard Monster" we come upon the scene of a battle. It appears to have taken place between lizardmen humans and REAL lizardmen.
• There's cosplay, and then there's COSPLAY.
• I search the site for abandoned tricorders or a hastily discarded officer's uniform, but come up empty-handed.
• We do find a giant potion jug with a thick lizard scale on the side.
• This is either an important plot device or some sort of lizardman contraceptive. Either way, I'm not drinking it.
• The barbarian, of course, gives it a lick.
• Nothing appears to happen, but I bet he's not going to get any lizardmen pregnant in the next 3 days.
• Yeah, you think that's a safe bet, but you don't know the barbarian like I do.
• In a clearing up ahead, we spot the silhouette of a giant fire-breathing monster. It does not move. It does not make a noise.
• Turns out, it's a statue.
• Barry Goldwater looks just like Godzilla!
• We take turns shooting at its fingers and rubbing its bald spot. When we're done, I've developed a new backstory.
• My character is a former stand-up comic who has taken up the reins of adventure in order to fund the production of his sequel to Freddy Got Fingered starring Judd Hirsch, Lauren Conrad, and Johnny Knoxville.
• If you think that's weird, wait til you hear his list of Distinctive Mannerisms.
• Plot Math: Huge Potion Jug + Petrified Godzilla Monster = Giant Ape Beatdown + Treasure Looting.
• Seems simple, right? Unfortunately we fall down on the part where we feed the potion to the petrified Godzilla creature without being eaten or stomped on.
• POSSIBLE PLANS TO ADMINISTER POTION TO GODZILLA WITHOUT BEING EATEN OR STOMPED ON:
  1. Stand On Snout, Pour Potion Into Mouth. (REJECTED. Probably suicide.)
  2. Stand In Mouth, Pour Potion Down Throat. (REJECTED. Definitely suicide.)
  3. Summon 60-foot Mechanized Goldwater To Administer Potion. (REJECTED. Evidence suggests this IS 60-foot Mechanized Goldwater.)
  4. Order Goblins To Administer Potion While Rest Of Party Observes From Safe Distance. (REJECTED BY GOBLINS. Apparently even indentured servitude has its limits.)
  5. Build Elaborate Rube Goldberg Device Inside Godzilla Mouth To Shatter Potion Bottle Hours After We Have Left The Area. DING! DING! DING! DING! We have a winner!
• A couple bags of sand, a pulley, some twine, three climber's pitons, and one crossbow later, our mission is a success: Godzilla battles Kong, we loot the treasure cave, and Barry Goldwater grows his fingers back.
• The halfing, on the other hand, still has those tiny, tiny feet.

-Tom, who has to go mend the tiger tail on his medical officer's uniform. DragonCON is next weekend, after all.