And A Star To Sail Her By

It's a new year!

...Which, naturally, leads me to thinking about new endings.

You might think that's morbid. I like to think it's pragmatic. Like, what's the likely conclusion of this new and unfolding situation? There's a lot to consider. The world today is a pretty fast-paced place and even with 24-hour news, internet video and on-the-spot tweets, it can be hard to keep up.

To take it all in, we have to examine... The Little Details.

• Look, it's my first non-photo blog post of the new decade. NEW DECADE. Say it again!
• Only two more years to the Apocalypse!
• Actually, I like using the Mayan calendar, but I am having a helluva time finding refills for it.
• The power went out in my building for ten minutes today, so I know what the Apocalypse is like.
• It's like 1985, only your VCR doesn't work.
• During the ten minutes I was unable to watch my bootleg Young Ones tapes, I had a revelation: If you really want to survive the Apocalypse, move to a coast and learn how to sail.
• PRO Sailing Arguments:
  1. After the Apocalypse, there's probably still going to be wind. You can travel around at will while the landlubbers all curse themselves for not learning to sail and fight each other for the meager supply of gasoline that's rapidly turning to varnish.
  2. You can fish from the side of your boat better than you can fish from the side of your car. (Trust me, I'm from Minnesota. I've tried both.)
  3. Every place you can reach by boat is AWESOME. I.e., Jamaica, Polynesia, Finland.
  4. You are literally captain of your own destiny. (Note to self: Name boat "Your Own Destiny." BRILLIANT.)
  5. You won't see a lot of other people. And let's face it, other people are what got you into this mess in the first place. (Specifically: The MAYANS. Dickholes.)
• ANTI Sailing Arguments:
  1. Might be mistaken for a pirate. (Fun, for like ten minutes. Then they start shooting at you.)
  2. Getting lost. Two-thirds of the earth is covered with water. It's hard to stop and ask for directions without getting shot.
  3. You're probably going to get really, really, really tan and die of skin cancer. Is that any way to go? Painful as it may be, getting shot is a lot more glamorous.
  4. You better have a really good evaporator to make fresh water. Also, you really gotta like fish. A lot. No, A LOT.
  5. Cleaning fish. Ick.
• Anyone want to take sailing lessons with me? I'm not doing this by myself. You don't want to be alone after the Apocalypse or you end up looking like Viggo Mortensen.
• Oh sure, ladies, you think Viggo Mortensen is all hot now, but where were you BEFORE he saved Middle Earth??? You were all like, RICHARD GERE is the Sexiest Man Alive.
• I'm not gonna let you objectify me like that, ladies! Not after the Apocalypse.
• Let's face it: Gere-esque or all Viggo-ed out, it'll be your obligation to have sex with me. FOR THE SAKE OF HUMANITY.
• I apologize in advance if my hands smell like fish.
• Do you think there will be toothpaste or Crest White-Strips after the Apocalypse? If not, I promise to tell the stories to our children. You gotta give them something to live for. And that thing is: whiter teeth.
• I wonder if we'll have weird Aquaman kids like in Waterworld or they'll just be normal, like in Swiss Family Robinson. Honestly, I'm fine with either as long as I don't have to drink my own urine.
• I bet my Aquaman kids are gonna taunt me. Swimming away from the boat all the time and being like "Whoooo can't breeeeathe underwaaaaaater!?! Who doesn't have WEBBED feet!?! WHOOOO is not a friend to the GENTLE CREATURES OF THE SEA?!?" and I'll be up on the boat and all super, super tan and yelling "YOU KIDS GET BACK TO YOUR OWN DESTINY RIGHT THIS MINUTE!"
• God it's a lot of work carrying on the species. If you just want to get together and learn swing dancing, that's cool with me.
• Even though we're not saving humanity, we can still have sex once in a while, right?
• No, no pressure. It's good. It's all good.
• It is not my fault if we have no Aquachildren who will pass on the secret of whiter teeth to future generations just because you drank too much wine and got a headache. SORRY HUMANITY! RED TAIL SHIRAZ WAS OUR DOWNFALL.
• No, really, it's all good. I am sorry. That was a dick comment to make, I did not mean it. Why don't we just go to bed and everything will be better in the morning. I'll cook.
• I hope you like fish.

-Tom, who is not sure he can master sailing AND swing dancing in just two years. But he's willing to try.