The Stingy DM

Like a harmonic convergence of the Outer Planes, it's time for another installment of my random journey through the AD&D Dungeon Masters Guide.

Click on through for another ethereal jaunt...


(And let's hope we don't get attacked by any githyanki.)

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I always wondered why I was such a rat bastard DM who was stingy with treasure.

Was it part of my yearning to make magic items feel truly rare and treasured?

Was it a power grab to make sure my players were starving and grateful for any scrap of magic that happened to fall into their laps?

Page 93 sets out a definitive reason why I gave out treasure so begrudgingly: Because Gary told me so.

It is only human nature for people to desire betterment of their position. In this game it results in player charaters seeking ever more wealth, magic, power, influence, and control. As with most things in life, the striving after is usually better than the getting.

The Gygax (yeah, I just called him "The Gygax" I'm a 9th level bard, you want to fight about it?) himself tells you to be stingy! Remember, it's YOUR game! If you don't like the fact that the party randomly encountered a troll while clearing land for their keep, and that freshly-fireballed troll has a ring of shooting stars on him, guess what? IGNORE THE RESULT!

Now, I suppose if you read the whole section, you might notice that Gary goes on to say that you should pick a more suitable item of appropriate power, but guess what? IT'S MY GAME, GARY! YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!

This is the main reason I developed a special treasure subtable of my own:

d100     Result   
01-80   No treasure
81-85   1d20 copper, 1 torch, 1d4 large iron spikes
86-90   1d10 electrum, 1 rusty fork, 1 sprig of wolfsbane
91-95   1d6 silver OR 1d4 wax candles OR 1d2 pickled chickens (pick ONE)
96-98   1d4 gold OR 1 glaive-guisarme OR 1 potion bottle (empty)
99-00   bag of devouring

Properly used, it shouldn't take too many rolls on this table before you can break your party of that annoying habit of looting the body.

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Gary Gygax invented experience points* and like most things in the DMG, Gary takes a really simple concept and heaps loads of weird complications on top of it.

First, you get XP for treasure. If your players complain it's not realistic to get "experience" for collecting a pile of copper pieces and 1d4 pickled chickens, E. Gary (or as I like to call him: "E-to-the-Dub-Dub-Dubba-G!" -- that's 9th level bard magic, right there) tells it like it is: Yeah, you could train, and practice spells, and spar in the dojo, but THAT'S BORING.

E-to-the-Dub-Dub-Dubba-G never forgets it's a game he's making here.

A game where bards get more powerful with chickens.

(It's unclear if the experience points go away if you eat the chickens.)

Second, if you're wondering what happened to our trademark Cumbersome And Arcane Table that seems to grace every page of the book, don't worry: we have a 5-column, 17-row monstrosity here called EXPERIENCE POINTS VALUE OF MONSTERS.

You get Basic XP for a monster (BXPV) plus XP per hit point (XP/HP) plus a Special Ability XP bonus (SAXPB) plus Exceptional Ability XP addition (EAXPA).

You then divide that by your Frustrating Monster Level XP (FMLXP), multiply the reverse integer of the Operative Median General Indication of Hassle/Intensity Eight-Tier Heightened Intrusion Scale (OMGIH8THIS) and finally adjust for your WTF Am I Doing Modifier including negative gain variables, times four (WTFMIDMing4?)

Done properly, the proper result will generally be "I'll get back to you next week."

*I have no idea if this is true, but -- like my D&D game -- I AM FINAL ARBITER! If you've got a beef with the facts, take it to Wikipedia.

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Assuming you ever give out treasure (i.e. you are a bad DM) then you will find p.149 TREASURE (MISCELLANEOUS MAGIC) to be of some interest.

I myself am perusing it for the first time.

Here are the standout items:

Javelin of Lightning - This is a great compromise if your players are whining they don't have any treasure. As soon as you use it, *POOF!* it's gone. The book says you find 2-5 of these things on a given creature but any intelligent monster is going to start using them against the party as soon as possible. Watch them scramble to take down that greenhag before she uses up all their precious loot! ZAP! POOF! ZAP! POOF! ZAP! POOF! Fun for players and DMs alike.

Jewel of Flawlessness - This might be a useful magic item if you could ever negotiate the fifteen different tables that determine the type, size, origin, and value of gems and jewelry. Which I never could. All I know is that lapis lazuli has something to do with snakes. (If this magic item makes you 100% more likely to be attacked by snakes, I am all for it.)

Keoghtom's Ointment - Neutralizing any poison or disease and healing for a modest but respectable 9-12 points of damage, this stuff is the Carmex of Dungeons & Dragons.

Manual of Puissant Skill at Arms - Some day I am going to look up the word "puissant." Today is not that day.

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Oh man, if you have not been feeling the Cumbersome And Arcane Table love with this round of random pages, don't worry: COMBAT SECTION IV.C. PSIONIC BLAST UPON A NON-PSIONIC CREATURE will feeblemind you for 2-8 rounds AND force a saving throw vs Paralyzation, Poison, or Death Magic.

Last time I talked about why, as a player, you'd never want psionics. (Hint: It starts with a "D"- and ends with a resurrection spell.)

Page 78 was put in to convince the DM never to allow psionics in the first place. The system is incredibly convoluted. Near as I can figure, here's how it works:

1. Check the attacking creature's psionic attack strength. Is it 100 or more? -Continue.
2. Add the target creature's Intelligence and Wisdom scores.
3. Roll a saving throw for the target creature based on the attack range.
4. Don't forget to modify for each of the following conditions!
   • Magic user (+1)
   • Cleric (+2)
   • Elf (+2)
   • Intellect Fortress in 10' (+2)
   • Mind blank spell (+2)
   • Dwarf (+4)
   • Halfling (+4)
   • Helm of Telepathy (+4)
   • Tower of Iron Will in 3' (+6)
   • Mind bar (+6)
   • Panicked (-1)
   • Enraged (-1)
   • Confused (-2)
   • Hopeless (-3)
   • Stunned (-3)
   • Using psionic related power* (-4)
   • Using ESP device (-5)
   • Feebleminded **
   • Insane (***)
5. Roll percentile dice for any targets who fail their saving throw roll and cross reference the appropriate subtable to determine if they are insane, feebleminded, panicked, enraged, confused, stunned, slept, put in a coma, or dead.
6. Roll 2d10 to determine how many players have wandered off to get pizza, play video games, or re-read that French translation of Gravity's Rainbow your dad picked up on a lark that one time he went to Paris on business.

* Psionic-related powers are: astral projection/spell, augury, charm monser, charm person, clairaudience, clairvoyance, confusion, detect evil/good, detect magic, dimension door, divination, empathy, enlarge, ESP, etherealness, feeblemind, feign death, geas, invisibility (any sort), know alignment, levitation, locate object, magic jar, plane shift, polymorph self, quest, shape change, suggestion, symbol, telekinesis, telepathy, teleporation, true seeing. Do you think I am making this up? I am not making this up. Don't even ask me what an ESP device is. To my reading, it's any magic item, edged weapon, or piece of armor stronger than ring mail. Can you use a pickled chicken to do voodoo? Because that's an ESP device as well.

** Feebleminded targets have a combined Intelligence and Wisdom of 0-5. That's roughly three times more lucid than anyone reading this table.

** A helpful note here: Insane creature cannot be psionically attacked. In other words: F. U.

So there you go. Simple right?

Sometimes I think Gary is just punishing me for not handing out enough treasure to my players.

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Another page of SMPAG (Stuff My Players Ain't Gettin'). This is the "B" section of TREASURE (MISCELLANEOUS MAGIC). That's always the good section because hardly anything bad starts with "B." Except for, y'know... the word "bad." Fortunately, Gary's penchant for using obtuse words means there is no bad spear of meanness or bad belt of super embarrassing transformation.

Instead he calls them backbiter and girdle of femininity/masculinity. (And let's be honest: Anyone who puts on a girdle sort of deserves whatever happens to them.)

Bag of Holding - This is an item I will actually give out. You know why? Because 50% of the time it will be empty because you don't ever hand out any measurable amount of loot, and the other 50% of the time the players will so convinced that it's actually a bag of devouring that they'll be too paranoid to put any actual loot in it. In the DMG, we call that a WIN-WIN.

Just don't give out the really big bag of holding or your treasure-starved players will start filling it with furniture.

(I am not kidding.)

Bag of Tricks - The "trick" mentioned here is the fact that six times out of eight, the animal conjured forth from the bag will be completely useless. Unless you think commanding a 7 hit point badger is a really bitching tactical advantage.

Boat, Folding - This is a super cool magic item with almost zero combat utility that merely serves as a simple, convenient way to introduce sea and other water-based encounters into a dungeon setting. As such, it has no place in my campaign.

Book of Infinite Spells - I always thought this was an artifact. After all it's a book of infinite spells. Turns out, it only contains 23-30 spells. Infinity, I guess, is kind of a limited concept in D&D. (Keep this in mind when you're players wish for INFINITE hit points! ZING! POW! POOF!!) The great thing about this magic item is that every time you use it there's a random chance it'll flip to some useless spell like gaze reflection or friends. (No one goes into a dungeon to make friends.)

The other great thing about the book of infinite spells is that you don't actually have to have it on your person to use it. According to Supa Supa Geezy In Tha Weezy (yeah, you KNOW my bardic music has a 42% chance of charming!) this implies the owner can "store it in a place of safety while adventuring and still cast spells by means of its power."

The practical effect is that it will get stolen by a wandering troll and thrown into his bag of devouring along with that ring of shooting stars and scroll of infinite wishes.

The good news is that when mixed in the proper proportions, a book of infinite spells, ring of shooting stars, and scroll of infinite wishes will produce 1d8 pounds of lint, six copper pieces, and a half-dozen pickled chickens.*

*Note that the lint is not separate from the chickens.

-Tom, badger commander and proud graduate of the Doss College for Bardic Might.