Basic Upkeep

Time once again to dust off those chipped, crayon-filled dice I got when I was 14 and randomly sample the genius of Gary Gygax, as laid out in the Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Dungeon Masters Guide.

Click on through for another ethereal jaunt...

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Here on a single page we explore two of the most iconic elements to D&D: the natural 20 and the now ubiquitous mechanic of hit points.

The brilliant thing about the natural 20 (rolling a 20 on a twenty-sided die) is that it means no monster is untouchable. If you roll a natural 20 it's a "perfect attack." Even if the DM has stacked the deck with a horribly ferocious monster covered in nigh-impregnable armor plating, remember: it's only nigh-impregnable. Gary says: Five percent of the time you WILL hit. It's the D&D equivalent of Free Parking.

Most of the page is taken up with a long explanation that hit points are an abstract measure of skill and not a literal measure of how tough you are. Gary points out that the average man can only sustain 4 hit points of "real" damage. (Gary does not explain how the average cat can sustain 3. But maybe two of those hit points are skill. Actually, if I had to assign "skill" hit points to a cat, they'd have 30. Cats are resilient!)

After a lengthy treatise on how slow healing is, and how you might get scars if you get knocked down to -6 hp, Gary shift gears to the effects of alcohol and drugs, including the classically cumbersome INTOXICATION TABLE.

It's not a page in the DMG if it doesn't have a weird table somewhere.

Also: if you get drunk enough, you gain three hit points - or, in more practical terms, one cat.

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Gary has a fascination for weird details, and page 27 is chock full of them. We start with the "Reputed Magical Properties of Gems" and move on to the value of a beaver-trimmed coat and a muskrat jacket. It seems goofy on its face, but it's there to inspire you.

And who wouldn't be inspired by such choice items as:

Diamond -- Invulnerability vs. undead
Jet -- Soul object material
Turquoise -- Aids horses in all ways (but stone shatters when it operates)

Armed with this information, the savvy adventurer knows that a seal-skin coat studded with malachite not only costs at least 250 gold pieces, but it might just protect you from falling.

(Whether it protects you from falling while drunk is left for the DM to adjudicate. Just don't try to fall on top of a cat or you'll open a tear to the Astral Plane.*)

*Untrue. This only happens if the cat is in a portable hole and you're carrying a bag of holding.

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After spending most of APPENDIX C: RANDOM MONSTER ENCOUNTERS detailing the various "Monster Levels" and their requisite Dragon Subtables, we get into the really weird stuff: PSIONIC ENCOUNTERS.

This section conclusively demonstrates why you never want to play a character with psionics. Because, while you may have cool-sounding powers like id insinuation and ego whip, it also means you constantly have run-ins with brain moles, greater devils, and demon princes.

Yeah, it might be cool that your 4th level thief can walk across quicksand, but that ain't gonna save you when Demogorgon shows up.

Fans of the trademark Cumbersome And Arcane Table will be delighted to find that this page also marks the beginning of the four-part random castle generation subsystem. Because you never know when you'll be wandering through the woods and stumble upon a large fortress.

Let's just hope Demogorgon is not holed up inside. (IT COULD HAPPEN!)

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I've mentioned how expert hirelings are really just a devious trap but this page details two types that might actually be useful: the alchemist and the armorer.

The alchemist can make you potions, although how they do it is detailed elsewhere and the only real note here is that it's going to cost you a small fortune. (Apparently an alchemist needs a lab, and 10-100gp bonus, and the guarantee of a one-year contract. Alchemists are the prima donna wide receivers of Dungeons & Dragons.)

The armorer can make armor and shields, which sounds great until you read the part that says everything they make costs 10% more than it costs on the open market.

SIR KELVIN: "Hey man, I need a new set of platemail. I wandered into this large abandoned fortress in the middle of the woods and got into a scuffle with Demogorgon."
DRUBBY THE SMYTHE: "Excellent, mi'lord. Thy wish shall be granted! I shall require 440 golde pieces."
SIR KELVIN: "Um, dude, it only costs 400gp over in Skullwich."
DRUBBY THE SMYTHE: "I require UPKEEP, mi'lord!"
SIR KELVIN: "Uh, yeah. I thought I was upkeeping you by giving you food, shelter, and 100gp a month."
DRUBBY THE SMYTHE: "That is BASIC upkeep, mi'lord! If you require actual construction, that demands a 10% surcharge. Besydes, the last item you bought in Skullwich was cursed."
SIR KELVIN: "Um, okay, you have a point. 40gp is a lot less than a scroll of remove curse and the DM's a bastard. 440 is it."
DRUBBY THE SMYTHE: "Excellent, mi'lord! Your finely-crafted suit of plate shall be ready in 90 days! Huzzah!"
SIR KELVIN: "Hey, what? We're going questing for the Teeth of Dahlver-Nar next week."
DRUBBY THE SMYTHE: "And good luck to you, sir! 90 days! Huzzah!"
SIR KELVIN: "Um, how about some splint mail then?"
DRUBBY THE SMYTHE: "The poore man's plate? Aye, I can craft that! 20 days!"
SIR KELVIN: "TWENTY DAYS!?!"
DRUBBY THE SMYTHE: "Aye, and I shall need the assistance of a leatherworker and a blacksmith!"
SIR KELVIN: "WHERE AM I GOING TO FIND A LEATHERWORKER AND A BLACKSMITH!?!"
DRUBBY THE SMYTHE: "I believe there is one in Skullwich, sir."
SIR KELVIN: "Got it. How does the INTOXICATION TABLE work again?"

And this is why we don't question the economics of D&D.

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The SPELL EXPLANATIONS section is both necessary and dangerous.

For instance, it's helpful to know that detect lie will not reveal evasions of the truth. It's not helpful to force your players to draw a picture of the exact type of protective circle they're using to summon an aerial servant. ("Which type of circle? I dunno, which one seems most pedantic?")

So apart from some meaningful rules clarifications, this page is littered with booby traps like how most magic items don't function on the astral plane or the percentage chance that a cleric will be irrevocably lost when casting word of recall.

Basically this section is a concise, detailed explanation of how to gank any spell your party might actually find useful:

DM: "Alright, alright, you burn your one 5th level spell and commune with Odin."
ALEGAARD THE MIGHTY: "Awesome! I ask him if we are close to the Teeth of Dahlver-Nar!"
DM: "Odin says: 'I don't know.'"
ALEGAARD THE MIGHTY: "Huh?"
DM: "He doesn't know."
ALEGAARD THE MIGHTY: "Dude, he's ODIN."
DM: "Uh-huh, is he omniscient?"
ALEGAARD THE MIGHTY: "Hello, he's a GOD!"
DM: "Most gods aren't omniscient."
ALEGAARD THE MIGHTY: "Yeah, not the SUCKY ones! This is Odin the All-Father we're talking about. He sired Thor!"
DM: "Uh-huh. That doesn't mean he knows where some rotten priest's teeth are. You have eight questions left."
ALEGAARD THE MIGHTY: "What!? This blows!"
DM: "Whatever, it's in the DMG. Eight questions, let's go."
ALEGAARD THE MIGHTY: "Ok, ARE YOU ODIN?"
DM: "'Yes.'"
ALEGAARD THE MIGHTY: "DO YOU SUCK?"
DM: "'Uh, NO.'"
ALEGAARD THE MIGHTY: "ARE WE CLOSE TO THE TEETH OF DAHLVER-NAR!?"
DM: "'I DON'T KNOW!'"
ALEGAARD THE MIGHTY: "Are you omniscient!?"
DM: "Ummmm... 'I don't know.'"
ALEGAARD THE MIGHTY: "Dude, he would know if he's omniscient or not!"
DM: "Ok, fine: Mostly not. 'NO.'"
ALEGAARD THE MIGHTY: "Are you SURE you do not suck?"
DM: "YES!"
ALEGAARD THE MIGHTY: "Okay, I dismiss the spell. Gimme your DMG."
DM: "Okay... Why?"
ALEGAARD THE MIGHTY: *WHACK!*

One of the other, lesser-known qualities of the Dungeon Masters Guide is its substantial heft.

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-Tom, off to see what happens when you get a cat really drunk and pit him against a horribly ferocious monster covered in nigh-impregnable armor plating.