The Complete Novice's Guide To Dim Sum

I once heard someone refer to directing as "death by a thousand questions."

Dim Sum is like that, but with food.

• According to Wikipedia, Dim Sum is a popular type of Chinese cuisine. So popular in fact, that you will want to get to the restaurant early to avoid the lunch rush.
• Against your nature, you will in fact show up early. So early that no one else from your party is there.
• There is, however, a disaffected Chinese woman standing at the hosting podium. She does not speak English as much as she barks it. "HELLO!" she yells at you. It is not a greeting, it is an accusation. An accusation that you do not speak Chinese.
• "Uh, hi," you say in a weak admission that she is entirely correct. "We're, uh, we're here looking for some friends."
• "GO LOOK!" she barks.
• The words sound like English, but it's probably Chinese for "You are a weak, helpless turd of a person and I will crush you for not being bilingual." Either way, you go look. Like the weak, helpless turd of a person you are.
• About the time you ascertain that the rest of your party is not in the dining room, the rest of your party shows up.
• Since you acted against your better nature by showing up early, they seat you right away. The dining room is lavish. It's like you've fallen into some alternate reality version of the Titanic, only instead of New York City you're going to Shanghai and your chances of seeing Kate Winslet's breasts are almost zero.
• Almost.
• Living in LA has its perks.
• Ordering Dim Sum, The Definitive Rules:
  1. The players are seated at a circular table with a large lazy susan in the middle.
  2. Every 2-7 (d6+1) minutes a polite Chinese woman will trundle a cart of fried food to the table.
  3. She will note by your weak, helpless, turd-like look of confusion that you have no idea what is being offered.
  4. She will, in turn, mutter something incomprehensible to you and gesture at 1-3 (d6/2, round up) identical steel tins that adorn her cart.
  5. Using hand signals, the head player (or party leader) will bid for 1, 2, or 3 dishes.
  6. Chinese custom dictates that the server MUST accept this bid unless the words "Chinese broccoli" or "Bao" are included in the bid, in which case the server can shake her head and escape the table without serving anything whatsoever. (This move is known as a "gainsay" or, in some circles, "recantonese.")
  7. Play continues until the lazy susan is completely covered in plates, 15 consecutive servers gainsay the table, or all players succumb to carbohydrate-induced food coma.
• Dim Sum is a game played for keeps.
• The parade of food is seemingly endless. The Chinese have mastered the art of taking a random meat and frying or steaming it into a bite-sized piece of deliciousness.
• The random meat parade has one wild card element: the dessert cart. This assortment of sweet buns and pastries is invariably the third cart to arrive at your table.
• Unsurprisingly, it does not contain Chinese broccoli or Bao. GAINSAY!!
• What makes Chinese broccoli so special? Apparently the Chinese take the lush, knobby sprouts from the head of a broccoli plant, carefully cut them off, throw them away, and cook the stems.
• It's sort of like shelling an ear of corn and eating the cob, only the cob is thoroughly steamed and drizzled in a heavenly sauce.
• I can't tell you what Bao is, other than "fun to say."
• Bao.
• Bao.
• Bao.
• See what I mean?
• If you successfully gainsay ten servers in a row, the manager will appear and ask if you're looking for something special. If you in turn reply "Chinese broccoli" the manager can gainsay by responding "Ok, ten minute." This move is known as the Great Stonewalling of China.
• Really, he's just rushing off to the kitchen to throw out a bunch of heads of broccoli.
• If you think you're hot-shit with a set of chopsticks, try eating a piece of shrimp wrapped in a steamed noodle. It's like trying to pick up a greased seal with a pair of soda straws.
• If you are not hot-shit with a set of chopsticks, don't go to Dim Sum. Eating with a fork is more humiliating than not being bilingual.
• By the way, greased seal is yummers.
• Apparently the full turn of phrase is "The whole is not equal to the Dim Sum of the parts" because if you stacked my plate full of bite-sized pieces of steamed meat, there's no way I could finish it. But if you serve it to me three pieces at a time in 2-7 minute intervals? BRING ON CART TWENTY-TWO!
• Does cart twenty-two have Chinese broccoli on it? Fuck no, it doesn't.
• GAINSAY!!
• Cart twenty-three is the dessert cart again, but you can't have dessert BEFORE you have Chinese broccoli. Really, Chinese-American foreign relations are already strained, you don't want to be the straw that drops the greased seal.
• You do notice that cart twenty-three contains the Ultimate Chopstick Challenge: pudding.
• If you finish an entire bowl of pudding just using your chopsticks, they name a province after you.
• This is why, every once in a while, you will come across a toy or computer accessory with a sticker that says "Made In Dirk Benedict."
• Finally, once the lunch rush has kicked into full swing with a line going out the door, the manager will scurry out to your table. CHINESE BROCCOLI! It's a victory for your stomach, your willpower, and the eight people at the head of the line outside.
• Dim Sum: The game where everyone wins.
• You can only assume that, given the copious amount of food you consumed and the fact that your order card has more stamps on it than a 2nd-grader's attendance report, your bill will be roughly seven hundred dollars.
• The actual retail price without going over: $42.50.
• No, not EACH. Total.
• Best $8.50 I've spent.
• Don't believe me? GO LOOK!!