I Am A Hamburger

Back in the day (which is shorthand for "many, many years ago") I was an exchange student in northern Germany. Now (which is shorthand for "yesterday") I'm back to catch up with old friends and brush up on my rusty, rusty German.

24 hours in: so far, so good.

Das sind... die kleine Einzelheiten.

• Fact: I do not own a bathroom scale.
• Fact: You can't tell how much your suitcase weighs without a bathroom scale.
• Fact: If you regularly lift an item and know its average weight, you can extrapolate by lifting your suitcase and comparing.
• Fact: This method is completely useless if the only item you regularly lift is the controller for your PS3.
• That is not a euphemism.
• Using your best judgement, you can carefully pack your suitcase so that is almost, but not quite, completely unliftable.
• Good thing it has wheels.
• It's a Delta flight operated by KLM. Do you check in at the Delta desk, or KLM?
• Aha! TRICK QUESTION. You can check in at the Delta desk, but your baggage (and your flight) depart from the KLM terminal.
• It's a good thing you got to the terminal 2.5 hours early.
• The crew on a KLM flight all speak Dutch, which sounds exactly like a native German gargling a cup and a half of overcooked angel hair pasta.
• It's an international flight. That means everyone gets their own tv.
• Remember back in the day when everyone had to watch the SAME movie and if you hated the selection you had to put on your Walkman (remember the Walkman??) and try to ignore the giant image blazing in front of you? Well, those days are over.
• Your personal tv (WELCOME TO THE FUTURE!) has a menu of THIRTY different movies to choose from! In multiple languages!
• That doesn't stop you from punishing yourself by trying to watch 2012.
• Fortunately for you, exhaustion and a food-induced carb coma save your fragile psyche from the ridiculousness of the earth's core cooking John Cusack and the rest of the planet to death.
• The crew of a KLM flight will be amused to an almost patronizing degree when they offer you a beer with your dinner and you are both surprised and enthusiastic to find that it is free.
• It's weird how surprising it can be when you're treated like an adult.
• Check ID? It's ONE BEER! We breastfeed our kids on Amstel Light! Drink up, American!
• At least, that's what I think the flight attendant said. My fluency in spaghetti-gargled German is not very good.
• Your personal tv serves another purpose: To show you the airspeed, current time, remaining duration of the flight and the temperature outside the cabin.
• The most fascinating fact is, of course, the one that's least relevant: the temp.
• At one point, it bottoms out at -79 degress Fahrenheit. I don't know how those people on LOST survived without getting frostbite.
• Granted, at 36,000 feet, frostbite is really the least of your issues.
• When you get to Amsterdam, you have 40 minutes to get through customs and board your next flight. So, naturally, you get in the priority line for short connections.
• Apparently "priority line for short connections" is spaghetti-German for "this line moves slower than all others."
• This is despite the fact that no one has to take off their shoes because this is fucking Europe and they treat people like fucking adults and not ignorant, frightened sheep who flinch every time they see a brown person with a beard scratch his nose or reach for a Kleenex.
• Despite the slow-moving security line, you make it to your plane with time to spare. One short nap later, and you're in Hamburg.
• Remember that suitcase you packed? Turns out it's waiting for you. And it didn't get any lighter.
• You know what else is weird about Europe? They have this crazy idea that if you provide quick, clean, efficient public transportation, people will actually use it.
• I have to admit, I TOTALLY exploited their gullibility on that one. Three euro to ride ALL the way to my friend's house?? SUCKERS!!!!!
• Admittedly, it didn't go ALL the way to my friend's house. I had to walk three blocks.
• One block in, the wheel broke off my suitcase.
• No, not jammed. Not wobbled. Not "developed an irritating instability." BROKE OFF.
• You know what's worse than rolling your unliftable suitcase down a cobblestone street? DRAGGING your unliftable suitcase down a cobblestone street.
• Mostly because it makes a noise like you're dragging a cinderblock down a gravel driveway.
• Two blocks later, you don't have to worry about dragging that suitcase anymore. Now you have to worry about carrying it up two flights of stairs.
• This is Europe, where we treat people like adults who can walk two flights of stairs with a 45-lb. suitcase. Elevators are for sickly, coddled Americans.
• CURSE YOU, EUROPE!
• As the small printed card in your suitcase informs you, the TSA is responsible for checking ALL luggage for possible security hazards.
• However, if the TSA determines that the jar of macademia butter that you purchased at the Farmers' Market is not a security hazard, they are NOT responsible for sealing it up tightly.
• Listen, in some cultures, I'm sure it's QUITE sexy to have macademia-scented underwear.
• I don't think Germany is one of those cultures. WHY did I leave Amsterdam??
• The Catch-22 of Travelers' Checks: 1)If you have an account at the local bank in Hamburg, they will happily exchange your travelers' checks for euros. 2)If you have an account at the local bank in Hamburg, you don't need travelers' checks.
• Everything in German is really cheap! You can get a coffee and slice of lemon cake for 4 dollars!
• That's because everything is in euros and one euro is worth approximately seven dollars.
• I guess that's the price you pay when your bankers gamble the world's savings and bankrupt Greece.
• Dear Europe: Sorry, our bad.

-Tom, who has to go see some art. I hope the museum takes travelers' checks.