Ad Takedown, Episode V: The Internet Continues To Frighten Me
The great thing about advertising on the web is that it's really cheap to run an online ad and there are almost no barriers to entry. (Do you have a copy of Photoshop? Can you write 18 words or less? YOU CAN RUN AN AD!)
The worst thing about advertising on the web is that it's really cheap and there are almost no barriers to entry. (Are you a 14 year-old boy with stunted English skills and one-dimensional ideas of feminine beauty? YOU CAN RUN AN AD!)
Sometimes, people make an ad so bad, it's genius.
These are not those ads.
This woman looks perfectly nice: not overly made up, not smiling vacantly into the camera. She seems kind of regal and upscale, taking a short breather between her yoga and pilates classes to ponder the finer points of the latest Jean Jeunet movie.
It's too bad then that some jackass had to grab a size 36 brush and twist her boobs into some bloated, gray, caterpillar-like monstrosity. "Hey, Ken, gitta lookit this! I found this thing called the 'smudge tool' and I FIXED IT!"
WE NEED SINGLE MEN... to help keep us upright.
I also find some irony in their pitch line: "Don't be fooled by sites full of men and fake profiles!" Yes, if you want REAL girls with REAL FAKE boobs, this is the site for you!
I have to give this ad some props for breaking the trend and putting their model in a hat and scarf. It actually seems more genuine and inviting. Then I read the headline.
"Lonely/Alone"? Shouldn't that slash be an "and"? I mean, I suppose you could be with someone and be lonely, but... that's just depressing. You don't need a dating site -- you need some therapy, a long look in the mirror followed by a cold moment of truth, and a couple months of self-reflection.
And I guess you could be alone and not lonely. In which case, great. You seem to have learned a valuable lesson about self-actualization and not making your life dependent on some external person to ensure your personal happiness and satisfaction. You don't need a dating site either, you're probably knee-deep in ladies what with all your mature world-view and sexy self-confidence that comes about from knowing who you are and what your place is in the world.
Wow. All that from a simple choice in punctuation. That woman in the scarf is super smart and intriguing.
It's too bad she has such a small bust.
Ummm... Ick.
(Note: Long-time readers will recognize that this is not the first "I'm your creepy, child-molester uncle" ad from DiCarlo Coaching. World's. Worst. Ad. Strategy. Blech.)
Ok, I need some brain cleaner after that last one. Fortunately, we have...
VS. 
HOT NINJAS OR SEXY PIRATE WENCHES!! HOW DO I CHOOSE?!? HOW CAN I LOSE!?!
I would like to give kudos to the first ad for making three of their (count'em) four adjectives variations of the word "hot". That is discipline!
I would like to give kudos to the second ad for reminding me that I do in fact like sexy pirate wenches. Or at least, the phrase "sexy pirate wenches." Or pictures of sexy pirate wenches. How do I zoom in?
This is a sad and concrete case of failing to understand your target audience. "All the fun without the dice"!?
Dude, there is no fun without the dice!
"Folks, we have created a game that is just as fun as blackjack, only without all the annoying cards! Hearts, spades... who can keep 'em straight? Am I right??"
And finally, in the "WTF" category, two ads battle it out for balls-out absurdity:
If an androgynous caveman with a skeletal grin and disturbing serial-killer glasses can refinance a house, so can you!
LAWS HAVE BEEN PASSED!
BY TINY BABIES!
SOMETHING ABOUT CREDIT CARDS!
-Tom, who still can't figure out this zoom-in thing. Is it a right-click? What? And why are there all these pop-up ads on my screen?
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
....Unfortunately, Green Day clearly bests me in the "Gross Abuse of 'Only/Alone/Lonely' for Emotive Purposes" department.
So, in desperation, I turn to the Motels to save us.
We wrote the loneliest ad
Alone, only lone, not a fad
Your scarf was very long
Alone in isolation
You are so lonely and alone
Sitting by yourself,
Alone and lonely by the phone
Without anyone means you are alone
It's like I sold you
Only the lonely can pay
You're wind who blows, blown
Lone and lonely all alone
You are lonely
So pay me
You mention the time you weren't lonely
Alone but you were the one and only
Loner who was alone but not too lonely.
It's like I sold you
only the lonely can pay
Only the lonely
Only the lonely
Can pay