The Very Short List Of Things I Have Broken

Count, count, count them up.

Break, break, break them down.

These are: The Little Details.

• I killed my old laptop yesterday. I fired it up to do some video conversion and the hard drive started to go click, click, click.
• The last time I heard a drive go click, click, click it was the external hard drive that had all my music on it. The best bid I could get on fixing it was $300.
• I don't have better hopes for the old laptop. It's not worth $300.
• Kneel down before me mortals, for I am become Shiva the Destroyer, and with my third eye I am burning Technology to ashes!
• Seems kind of ironic that a guy who's burning Technology to ashes is posting about it on his blog.
• DO NOT QUESTION THE MIGHTY SHIVA!
• Actually, to avoid offending any of my Hindu readers (i.e. that one dude who always posts spam comments linking to Coach handbag outlets) I should really clarify that I'm not the full-on transformer of the Trimurti, I'm more like the whitebread, watered-down geek version.
• I AM TOSHIVA, THE DUDE WHO BREAKS STUFF!
• That should put the Trimurti at ease.
• Trust me, you don't want the Trimurti pissed at you. Brahma's alright, but Vishnu is a dick.
• So much for offending my Hindu readers. (Sorry Coach handbag guy!)
• Aw hell, while we're at it:

• Oh Photoshop, you give me a little nerd boner each and every time I open you.
• ...too much information?
• I guess I'll just offend everybody. I AM TOSHIVA, THE EQUAL-OPPORTUNITY OFFENDER!
• Although I don't know why I'm bragging about having a little nerd boner.
• ANYWAY...
• The other night I'm on my way to one of my nerd friends' places to play some nerd games with some other nerds in nerd town when a pickup truck stops next to me and rolls down his window.
• "HEY!"
• (I feel obligated at this point to reassure my midwestern readers that if you are worried about random strangers in pickup trucks rolling up to you at a stoplight in Los Angeles and yelling at you, relax -- no one in this story gets shot, maimed, or indoctrinated into a gang. Besides, I AM TOSHIVA! You don't mess with a guy who wrecks computers. Not if you want your GPS to do anything besides mutter "RECALCULATING..." over and over.)
• "HEY!" says the guy, "I think your brake lights are out. I didn't even see you stop!"
• See? People are friendly in Los Angeles.
• I immediately begin crapping my pants because if North Hollywood cops are anything like West Hollywood cops, I will get a ticket within the next four blocks.
• Don't ask me how I know this.
• Let's just say you don't want to drive around West Hollywood with a headlight out and expired tabs on Minnesota plates.
• That's what... a... FRIEND from Minnesota told me, after he'd been here for two years.
• Boy, did he get in trouble.
• Of course, he wasn't a minor demi-god.
• Fortunately, North Hollywood cops are NOTHING like West Hollywood cops. North Hollywood cops show some RESPECT for lesser divine beings! I drove there, back, and all the way to the mechanic on Monday without getting a ticket.
• Brake lights. Probably something simple, right? Like bulbs or a fuse? Please, I AM TOSHIVA THE DILAPIDATER!
• According to my mechanic, I broke the actual switch on the brake pedal that tells the lights to go on and off. To the tune of $175 including parts and labor.
• Now, it's arguable that my car is not WORTH more than $175 dollars. (Anyone want to blue book a 97 Acura for me? Toshiva does not trifle in your earthly notions of Suggested Retail Price.) However, the VALUE I get from my paid-off, dented, usually-reliable japanese Chariot of the Gods is far more than $175.
• So, I paid the dude.
• Until I can afford to pay Brahma to MAKE me a new car, I have to keep shelling out coin to Vishnu to maintain it.
• Man, if I ever go to India, they are going to hang me by my toes and cane me.
• The other day I decided to do a friend a favor and record some cassette tapes to CD.
• Yeah, I am a NERD, I can DO that. *puffs out pale, flabby chest*
• Who's got some Psychedelic Furs albums they want converted to digital? Anyone? Siouxsie and the Banshees? They haven't released the WHOLE Morrissey back catalog you know! Shoplifters of the wooooooooorld, uniiiiiiiiiiite...
• Three people found that funny.
• Hopefully one of them is some Hindu guy with a Coach handbag fetish.
• OOH! An opportunity to get out that high-end Aiwa tape deck I've had sitting in my bedroom corner for three years. Sweet! We just hook it up to the power, run the converter cables into the computer, pop in the tape, and press play!
• Click, click, click.
• Jeez, being a minor demi-god doesn't seem to have many advantages. I don't even get damage resistance.
• Ha! You can't foil me, 1991 Aiwa tape deck! I will... open you up and... spray out the dust!
• Well, there is not much dust, but I will spray anyway! I am Toshiva, BEHOLD as I wield my mighty Canned Air of DOOOM +5!
• Click, click, click.
• Hmmm. Might have been better off with a Frostbrand.
• I have too much pride and too little money to go to Vishnu on this one. Fortunately, I have a SECOND, crappier cassette deck! It is made by the venerable RADIO SHACK, so you know it's quality!
• Click, click, click.
• Really. You know, I believe in the whole "lemons/lemonade" paradigm but I'm really having a hard time seeing the advantage to this whole Toshiva thing. Can't I be Tobrahma or Tovishnu? That dude seems to make bank off of everyone else. There just isn't much money in breaking things.
• In the end I save my (already prodigious) nerd cred by borrowing a BRAND NEW cassette deck from my audiophile friend.
• My audiophile friend who doesn't have any speakers.
• You know, because if you're an audiophile and you're assembling a kick-ass stereo system, pretty much the last thing you buy is speakers. I mean, what's the point in having speakers if you can't play your cassettes?
• The good news is, I can now rip my buddy's cassettes to CD, so he can not listen to them through his CD player instead of not listening to them on cassette.
• I'm helpful like that.
• I just hope I don't have to drive over there or use my laptop.
• Click, click, click.

-Toshiva, who probably just crashed the internet.