The New Zodiac

I don't know if you're aware, but ancient people were really terrible at a lot of things. (Earth? Flat? Helllllooo, have you hiked Fryman Canyon?) But one of the things they were especially terrible at was calendars. The Mayans goofed it up so bad that next year we have to have an Apocalypse.

But more importantly, Time.com recently reported that the Zodiac calendar is off. And not just by a couple minutes so you can fool your sleepy brain into getting out of bed a little bit earlier, like up to a MONTH off.

Apparently the ancient astrozoologicagraphers failed to account for wobbles in the rotation of the earth, and now, a couple hundred years later, the Zodialogical calendar is way off.

Fortunately, thanks to SCIENCE, we can correct for this miscalculation.

Following is a list of the NEW dates for the Zodiax signs, along with a reading for the New Year. (FYI, according to these new calculations, the New Year doesn't start for three more weeks, so you still have time to get your nieces and nephews something nice for the holidays.)

Capricorn: (Jan. 20-Feb. 16) - The New Year brings new changes and the chance for a fresh start. Great rewards await you, but there may be some challenges along the way. Just be patient. Think outside the box. Give 110%. Remember, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. The best offense is a good defense. Intestinal fortitude. YMMV.

Aquarius: (Feb. 16-March 11) - Use this year as an opportunity to travel. Try Monterey Bay in California, or Long Beach. Go abroad and visit Regents Park in London, or consider a trip to Melbourne/Sydney Australia. SeaWorld in San Diego is nice as long as you don't mind exposing your four year-old to the graphic horrors of a nine-ton killer whale springing a bloody ambush on the hapless pelican which happened to land in its pool during the show. Properly handled, it's a teachable moment.

Pisces: (March 11-April 18) - You spent most of last year grumpy and irritated and here's why: your sign is a fish, and what do people like to do with fish? -Eat them and keep them in tanks. You'd grin and bear it, but you don't have any lips. Don't expect this to change in 2011, fish-face. Also: quit staring at me.

Aries: (April 18-May 17) - Aimless, lost, and unsure of your place in the world, you will finally find the source of that interminable, vague feeling of detachment this year when you realize you were discontinued by Chrysler in 1989.

Taurus: (May 18th) - You are awesome, and awesome things will keep happening to you. Try not to look down on people who weren't born under this sign, they are inferior but that's no reason to be arrogant right to their face.

Gemini: (May 19-July 20) - With Neptune crossing the Third Meridian of Mercury, this is NOT the year to make big decisions. Change the little things in your life. You would be surprised how satisfying it is to get a new set of cutlery. And those curtains? They could be different.

Cancer: (July 20-Aug. 10) - Sucks. Try to suck less this year. Ass.

Leo: (Aug. 10-Sept. 16) - According to the Chinese Calendar, 2011 is the Year of the Rabbit. And you know what LIONS do to RABBITS, right? Well DO THAT! Properly handled, it's a teachable moment.

Virgo: (Sept. 16-Oct. 30) - DWF, NS, D/D-free, seeking LTR. Loves travel, movies, great music, and holding hands. Shy but adventurous, comfortable getting dressed up for a night on the town or just hanging out on the couch with a pizza and NetFlix. Curvy but fit. Looking for a guy who can make me laugh, I love to laugh. NO ACTORS, STAND-UPS or DJs.

Libra: (Oct. 30-Nov. 23) - Have you considered a career in financial planning?

Scorpio: (Nov. 23-29) - You are a NYPD officer who wants to do the best he can as a policeman. Working as a uniform patrolman, you get every assignment in. In the New Year you will move to plain clothes assignments, where you slowly uncover cops doing drugs, taking paybacks and other criminal actions that fall under corruption. You will decide to tell the truth about this, but other officers will make it hard for you to tell the truth and threaten you with termination and other kinds of punishment. The struggle will lead you to infights, problems with your personal relationships, near death, and a final meeting with the Knapp Commission, which met to investigate police corruption between 1970 and 1972. Later, you will win an Academy Award for Scent of a Woman.

Ophiuchus: (Nov. 29-Dec. 17) - The Swiss Gnomes of the Zodiac, no one ever KNEW about your sign until this whole cock-up with the calendar. Now that you've been exposed, 2011 will bring an unprecedented level of scrutiny and criticism. Fortunately, with your stranglehold on the media, politics, and world banking, you should have no problems weathering the storm. Worse comes to worst, you can always use that secret satellite to set off another earthquake.

Sagittarius: (Dec. 17-Jan. 20) - You're the kind of person who skipped all the other horoscopes because you knew YOURS would be right at the end just like it ALWAYS is. Who cares about OTHER people, I'M having dessert first! This is the kind of narcissistic, self-entitled attitude you get when your birthday is so close to Christmas that Grammy & Grampy have to overcompensate and give you not just double but TRIPLE presents so you don't feel left out. Well guess what, jerk? THIS isn't your horoscope! Scroll up. It's the one marked "Cancer."

I hope this has been helpful. If anyone would like further advice, just send me the exact date and location of your birth, along with $20, and I'll be happy to do a personalized reading.

-Tom, accepts PayPal, MasterCard, and Visa.