Silent Movies: Eat Pray Love

New Year's Eve, 2010.

My flight's been delayed 40 minutes, the air is thick with the grumbles of holiday impatience, and as we taxi up to the de-icing station the captain tells us the tanker trucks are low on fluid and they might just drive off and leave us there for 20 minutes.

By the time we get airborne, I resign myself to the inescapable clutches of Delta Airlines. Really, what more can they do to me, their tired, beaten-down captive on this, the last night of 2010?


Well, they can run Eat Pray Love as the in-flight movie, that's what.

I watch it with the sound off.

What follows is a reconstruction of what happens when "a married woman realizes how unhappy her marriage really is, and that her life needs to go in a different direction" -- with the sound off.

• We start with a helicopter shot. Trees and swamp, this might be a foreign country. Someone is riding a bicycle. Who could it be?
• They ride past some ducks and geese. This must be a foreign country because they are herding the ducks with a stick. The bicycle rolls past but we only see the rider's ankles.
• So much mystery! WHO is on the bicycle??
• Didn't you see the trailer? Julia Roberts is on the bicycle.
• DUH.
• Julia Roberts is in India. (Is it India? It's hard to tell. It's not very crowded. Plus no one is bathing in a river. In the movies, India is always very crowded and peopled exclusively with folks who spend their entire day wading in the Ganges.)
• Wherever it is, Julia Roberts appears to be wearing a headdress made from the pelt of a Norwegian wolf.
• An indian man (let's just assume here, maybe it's Thailand, but all that matters is it's EARTHY and EXOTIC) reads Julia Roberts' palm. She does not say anything, but indulges him with some very patronizing looks. I am hoping the wolf on her head eats her.
• Mr. India finishes the palm reading ("Your love line is very strong," I imagine he says, "but beware of the wolf on your head.") and then he hands her a piece of paper with a drawing of an Indian/Thai/earthy/exotic god/goddess on it. THIS IS SIGNIFICANT.
• I know it's significant because I saw it in the trailer.
• Six months later, Julia is at a fancy dinner party in some part of the world where they have bookcases and indoor plumbing. She broods. (Apparently that god/goddess picture is not working.) A lady hands some guy a baby. He holds it as if she has just given him the world's largest disemboweled frog. He holds it a little too long this way, making it very clear he does not know what to do with either babies or frogs. (Hint: Everyone needs a hug now and then.) This causes Julia Roberts to brood more.
• You would think this guy would know what to do with a disemboweled frog because he looks very professorial: he wears a suit jacket and has squinty eyes and refined features that are handsome, but not really warm or trustworthy.
• Ergo, college professor.
• He must be Wolfhead's husband, because they have a fight in the car. And by "fight" I do not mean Real People Fight where you raise your voice at each other and everyone's ears suddenly feel hot and two sizes too small. I mean Chick Flick Fight, where Mr. Professor says something obliviously stupid and Julia Roberts broods silently and looks out the window into the rain.
• For those of you who are unfamiliar, that constitutes Chick Flick shorthand for "This Marriage Is Doomed."
• Further emphasizing the fact that Bad Things Are Afoot, we see the two of them in bed. But not in a fun way -- when you're REALLY in love, every moment in bed is magical. But here, on the outskirts of Splitsville, there is more brooding and obliviousness. (Guys are so clueless! Why can't they tell what you're thinking even though you are making no effort to share it!?) Then Julia Roberts goes down to her hope chest in the middle of the night and Decides To Change Her Life.
• Ok, I missed part of the movie here while fiddling with my laptop. Here's what I think happened:
  1. Julia Roberts meets James Franco and/or the Pseudo-Android-Francobot 9000. (I swear that guy has silicon rubber instead of a face. He is like the Bizarro male version of a fembot. I keep waiting for him to peel up his face and reveal a mess of computer parts.) I think the Francozoid makes a pass at her, but I didn't see any kissing. (So much for the "Love" part of this movie.)
  2. Julia has another fight with Mr. Professor-Baby-Mangler (i.e. passive-aggressively fires eye-beam deathrays into the wall while he crisply pronounces his complete lack of interest in gifting the human race with additional bitchy Scandinavian wolf murderers.)
  3. Julia's friend with the baby tells her she should Change Her Life. (Independent ladies do not make up their own minds, they are slowly nudged off the cliff by their wiser, slightly overweight best friends who have successfully procreated.)
  I think that sort of brings us up to speed. Frankly, I don't care.
• STEP ONE IN CHANGING YOUR LIFE: Go to Italy.
• This is a surefire way to make your life different. For one thing, important parts of Italy are in subtitles, and that always makes you more sophisticated.
• (By "important parts" I mean the segments where you order cappucino. If you're not ordering food, you can go ahead and speak English, everyone will understand you.)
• Also, a VERY IMPORTANT part of Changing Your Life is to have a best friend in Italy who is fluent in the language, hooked up with a coterie of hot Italian men, and somewhat perky but not quite as attractive as you are.
• Independent ladies always have a well-connected wingman to lean on. It's a lot easier to be independent if you have people helping you order food and meet hot guys.
• There is a montage of Italian culture. NOTABLE FACTS ABOUT LIFE IN ITALY: They like soccer.
• PANIC ALERT: JULIA ROBERTS CAN'T GET HER JEANS ZIPPED UP! Look at the dramatic way her life is changing!
• Seriously, look at it! You have to look at it, it's a three-minute scene and MUST be hilariously embarrassing!! They are spending a lot of expensive film/digital gigabytes shooting this scene where, for a brief moment, Julia Roberts has apparently developed hips!
• Fortunately, her perky wingman (Ok, ok -- winglady. I get it, I'm liberated.) is there to zip her up.
• Now Julia Roberts is crying. Maybe it's because of her fat ass, or because she saw a negligee in a store window. I'm not sure. All I know is she's doing it silently.
• Ok, it's because James Franco is not making her happy somehow. I can't tell without the sound on. Hopefully in the next scene he'll hold a baby and we can get to the bottom of this.
• More brooding. I think Julia Roberts is breaking up with James Franco via email, which is totally lame. She could at least text him.
• Now Little Ms. Cyberdump is hanging out with her perky winglady and her perky winglady's hot italian boyfriend and his family while they make dinner. There are no subtitles so they must not be talking about the food.
• Perky winglady seems really happy with her hot Italian boyfriend, which is an important lesson when Changing Your Life: Remember, everyone else is happier than you are.
• There's a toast and it looks like some sort of decision has been made.
• Yes, it is decided: Julia Roberts will go to India and slay a mongoose. So it shall be done.
• I'm not sure if she's really going to slay a mongoose, but anything would be better than that shaggy wolf-mane she's wearing on her scalp.
• MONTAGE OF INDIA. Notable facts: There are a lot of people there. They are brown.
• STEP TWO IN CHANGING YOUR LIFE: Go to India and scrub floors.
• STEP TWO-A: Kill a mongoose and fashion a wig from its pelt.
• Ok, that doesn't really happen, but my guess is they are saving it for the sequel.
• After briefly trying to read the prayerbook which is not at all in English OR subtitled (it's a prayerbook, not a menu) Julia meets some dude who apparently wants to mentor her. She is annoyed with him, because part of Changing Your Life is being annoyed at people who want to help you Change Your life.
• I should point out that Julia has good reason to be annoyed, this guy looks fifty times more professorial than her ex-husband. I bet just the sound of his voice could kill the eggs in your ovaries!
• Julia tries meditating, but it takes too long and attracts flies.
• Professor Ovary-Shrinker takes Julia on a walk. He tries to be all wise and paternal, but secretly he's emitting pheromones that are drying out her uterus.
• Julia tries meditating some more. It's still pretty boring, but THEN she goes to an Indian wedding and she is REALLY happy, but also kind of envious.
• FLASHBACK to her OWN wedding! See, she was a really happy and complete person when she was married! Why did she have to go and Change Her Life?
• Julia gimbals away to brood some more. Dr. Professor Highwisdomlowspermcount thinks about following her, but decides not to. She has a conversation with the new bride about how the bride will surely be happy and also how Indian wedding attire is really, really ridiculuously ornate.
• The Doctor appears to have second thoughts about intervening. He takes Julia off to some Hindu temple someplace and has a very, very long conversation with her where he gets most of the closeups.
• It's pretty clear that by the end of this conversation, Julia Roberts is gonna have to adopt.
• Also right about this time, the flight attentant stops by and gives me a lone glass of Sprite and two of the driest, stiffest gingerbread cookies I've ever had in my life.
• When I look up again, Julia is having some sort of infertility-induced dream vision where she's wearing Indian robes and has a dot on her forehead but is dancing with her ex-husband at their wedding and he's wearing a tux.
• I'm trying to take in the poignancy, but this cookie is really ruining it for me.
• Apparently Step Two is over because Julia Roberts has packed her bag and is hugging Professor Zero Population Growth goodbye. JULIA! If you value your fallopian tubes, DON'T TOUCH HIM!!
• Ooh! I just found out Julia's character's name is Liz!
• I'm not sure how that's significant, but I thought I should pass it along in case you wanted to pretend to talk intelligently about the movie.
• Liz/Julia just had a magical encouner with an elephant. She must be Changing Her Life because now she can communicate with the animals -- much like Snow White. Or Aquaman.
• Oh man I hope she fights Solomon Grundy and makes a wig out of his pelt.
• Liz/Julia (let's just shorten that to Vevuzela) is back with Mr. India the fortuneteller. (Remember Mr. India? For all you amateur screenwriters out there, I will now pause briefly so you can google the term FRAMING DEVICE. Done? Great. Now go back to eighth grade.)
• Vevuzela gets out the picture of the god and thereupon commences a three minute scene where Mr. India reapeatedly says "You! You! You!" and Vevuzela giggles with such overexaggerated giddiness that I am certain the sound, were I to hear it, would cause my prostate to permanently collapse.
• And that is how you know you have Changed Your Life.
• Well, that and Javier Bardem runs you off the road with his jeep.
• I'm no expert, but I have a dollar that the horn on that jeep sounds a lot like a set of wedding bells.
• I'd like to tell you how this movie ends, but the picture keeps cutting out. Maybe the pilot is trying to spare us.
• Dear Mr. Pilot sir: WHY are you trying to keep me from the big climax of Vevuzela Vs. Solomon Grundy & The Legion of Doom??
• Ok, we're back, but there are no super villains, unless you count Javier Bardem's driving habits.
• Vevuzela is telling Mr. India about her encounter with the man in the wedding jeep. At first she doesn't like him, even though he is roguishly charming. Part of being an Independent Woman is being suspicious of men who like you.
• Vevuzela is SO suspicious, she dances with some other dude who appears to have no redeeming personhality traits whatsoever apart from his cut, well-toned abs.
• Fortunately, JB saves her from making a terrible mistake and uses his supernatural driving skills to drive her home.
• But he DOESN'T kiss her.
• He gives her a bag of goldfish.
• I TOLD you this guy was roguishly charming!
• Julia, however, is not going to be won over quite so easily. First, they have to go on a date to the Farmer's Market.
• A Note To The Single, Eligible, And Looking Portion Of Our Readership: While going to the Farmer's Market SOUNDS like a great first date, in practice it's one feeble step up from meeting each other at Starbucks. Going to the Farmer's Market is great for like a FIFTH date, and only if you're going to immediately go make brunch with those organic free-range eggs and fresh green peppers. Otherwise you just end up walking around on a lot of hard pavement strewn with gum and popcorn while making small-talk about how long you've been on match.com.
• Or so I'm told.
• ANYWAY, Javier Bardem is busy courting Vevuzela. I think we all know how this is going to end up.
• Yes, Julia Roberts slays Javier Bardem and fashions a wig from his pelt.
• Ok, now I'm confused because Javier Bardem just kissed Abs-Guy on the lips and said "I'm missing you already!" and then he cried a lot.
• Is it roguishly charming to be bisexual?? Man, Javier Bardem is pulling out ALL the stops on this one.
• Roguishly charming or not, it worked. Twenty seconds later and Vevuzela is totally doing the horizontal disco with him.
• I didn't think a guy like Javier Bardem would have to kiss another dude just to bed a lady, but apparently when you're Julia Roberts you can afford to be picky.
• Note to self: Find a wingman with perfect abs and no coldsores.
• STEP THREE IN CHANGING YOUR LIFE: Find A New Man.
• Really, that's the key to being an Independent Woman.
• I mean, if you can't be happy with another person, how are you going to be happy by yourself?
• Vevuzela is NEVER going to be happy because she just had a SCREAMING argument with Javier Bardem and stormed off to see Mr. India again.
• I don't know who this magical Mr. India is, but he sure is a convenient plot device.
• He's also a predictable one: He tells Vevuzela to go running back to Javier Bardem.
• Like any self-actualized Independent Woman, she does exactly as she's told.
• Javier Bardem, roguish charmer and possible bisexual, welcomes her back with an easy, winning smile and a warm, tender embrace.
• AND THEN THEY SAIL OFF INTO THE SUNSET.
• I wish I was kidding about that last part.
• I wish I was kidding, or that Sinestro showed up and fought the two of them atop a giant yellow battle sub surrounded by trident-wielding combat drones who shower the decks with a foamy sea of nonoxynol-9, but that doesn't happen.
• Instead I just shut down my computer and spend the rest of the flight thinking about how I might Change My Life.
• All I need is a magical fortuneteller, a trust fund, 16 months free to wander the globe, and an open-minded wingman with really great abs.
• That, and a wig.

-Tom, who appears to be getting more and more professorial by the day.