Nerd Exsanguination

or, "How Zack Snyder Drained The Enjoyment Out of Every Geeky Thing I Love."

You know how we all have that voice in the back of our head that tells us when we're about to do something stupid, like take up freerunning or order the chicken alfredo or go to that keg party down in the granite quarry?

Well that voice was screaming at me, "DON'T GO SEE SUCKER PUNCH."

I didn't listen, even after I read some less-than-enthusiastic reviews and despite the fact that, unlike 90% of my nerd brethren, I hated "300".

I kept coming back to that trailer: Hot chicks with guns kick ass against clockwork soldiers and red dragons fighting B-52 bombers! How badly could you screw THAT up??

Bad enough to make me blog about it a week later.

Let's break it down, element by element.

The Prologue

There's no dialog in the opening sequence -- it's all slow-motion steadycam, clipping along to a cover of "Sweet Dreams Are Made of This." We watch as our heroine fends off her dad, who is the kind of mustache-twirling villain that beats his kids because his dead wife left them all her money in the will.

The prologue sets the tone and right off the bat Zack Snyder draws a firm line in the sand: SCREW YOU SUBTEXT. Pouty girl pouts, snarly villain snarls, and a bunch of very pretty slow-motion crap happens atop a techno-laden soundtrack.

Don't you love our heroine? The camera LOVES HER. You should too! BECAUSE THE CAMERA SAYS SO. OBEY THE CAMERA.

Do you like your villains to possess any sort of depth, perhaps even a few disarmingly-likable traits? NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Are you not understanding how poignant the action of the scene is? HELLO. WE ARE TELEGRAPHING IT WITH SOME "IRONIC" COVERS OF OLD 80s SONGS.

Finally, do you believe dialog is a window into a character's thoughts, motivations, and feelings? YOU ARE WRONG.

YOU CAN'T FILM DIALOG IN SLOW MOTION. DUH.

It just comes out all slurry.

By the time Mr. Snyder is finished, he has laid down the law: For the next 112 minutes he's going to beat us in the face with a giant foam hammer laced with cotton candy and sparklers while someone in hot pants and a bustier drizzles Robitussin on our head.

(Note to those of you tempted to comment: sparklers are burny.)

The Characters

First of all, this movie has got some SMOKIN' hot chicks in it. WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED?

Oh. Names? Hey, hey, hey... check THIS out: they have HOT NAMES too. Like "Baby Doll" and "Rocket" and "Sweet Pea." (No, trust me, there is nothing creepy about names like Baby Doll and Sweet Pea. I have an assistant I call Baby Doll and it's totally not creepy unless I make her do the voice.)

Waitaminute. You say you need something more? Like basic human emotions? Ummmmm...

Ummmm....

WAIT! I GOT IT. Their names are IRONIC.

Like, "Blondie" isn't really blond. And "Sweet Pea" isn't really so sweet! And "Baby Doll" doesn't do that voice, even though anyone who's watched ten minutes of japanese animation TOTALLY knows she should be doing that voice!

And Rocket, she's just a redhead. That's good enough. I used to have an assistant who was a redhead. I had to fire her when she got fat. (aka PREGNANT.)

Oh, and we have a dude played by Scott Glenn. We call him "Mr. Exposition" and he sets up the next scene in like 3 sentences and then caps it off with something pithy.

Pretty deep, huh!

...Whaddya mean "blond" isn't an emotion?

The Plot

So Baby Doll is stuck in this 1950s School For Unjustly Imprisoned Hot Chicks, and she's sentenced to have a lobotomy in five days, but in her FANTASY WORLD it's a Bordello For Unjustly Imprisoned Hot Chicks where she's sentenced to "dance" for the High Roller in five days. But IF in the fantasy world of her fantasy world she can complete Five Super-Awesome Tasks, she can escape the School/Bordello and Live Happily Ever After.

It's got A LOT of layers -- like when they double-bag your groceries so you don't get milk and canned pineapple all over the parking lot.

Only in this case, the milk is her brain and the canned pineapple is her virginity. And the Super Awesome Tasks are like making a late night trip to 7-Eleven because you forgot to pick up bread and dignity.

(Did you follow all those metaphors? Don't think I can't craft a sentence that will stick with you.)

The real problem is that the Super-Awesome Tasks are laid out with the same ham-handed finesse you get from a page of directions by Google Maps.

STEP 1: FIND MAP. (Watch movie for 6.2 minutes)
STEP 2: FIND FIRE. (Watch movie for 7.5 minutes)
STEP 3: TAKE EXIT 19A TO MERGE ONTO I-405 S. GO 10.2 MILES. VEER LEFT.
STEP 4: DO SOMETHING COOL IN SLOW MOTION.
STEP 5: POUT AND/OR LOOK HOT.

When you lay out a linear plot like this you have two problems. One, there's nothing for the audience to discover. (Snyder tries to set up the last task as a mystery, but Mr. Exposition whacks us with the answer two sentences later.) And two: there's no dramatic tension. Do they get the map? OF COURSE THEY GET THE MAP. Do they get the fire? OF COURSE THEY GET THE FIRE. Do they take Exit 19A? OMG, PLEASE JUST GET TO THE PART WHERE YOU POUT AND/OR LOOK HOT.

The Action

So. We have a bunch of cardboard characters going through the motions of a plot. Hey, I didn't come here for brilliant acting or deep storytelling, I came here to watch HOT CHICKS WITH GUNS SHOOT DRAGONS WITH A FRICKIN' B-52 IN SLOW MOTION!!

Which they do.

But we don't care.

We don't care because the characters are pretty paper dress-up dolls and their goal is 100% predictable. More importantly, the protagonists are all EXPERTS with their weapons and the opposition is an endless stream of inept CGI minions that make stormtroopers look like a crew of combat infantrymen fresh off two tours in 'Nam.

It's about as exciting as watching your neighbor mow his lawn: You know how it starts, you know how it's going to end, and in-between it's just going to be very, very loud.

The Villain

You know what could have saved this movie? A really strong villain.

Oscar Isaac does the best he can as the heavy. He chews mounds of scenery in the School/Bordello worlds. But someone made the decision that he should be completely absent from the fantasy action sequences. And THAT is a crucial mistake.

I would have sat through boring key quest after boring key quest if we got to see the villain either legitimately threaten our band of heroes or get outwitted by them. Everyone else has a correlating persona in Action Land, why doesn't Mr. Jones?

It would have been much more satisfying to see Baby Doll and Mr. Jones duel and maneuver around each other in Action Land and then see the results of that conflict expressed in the other worlds. It would have given those sequences stakes and consequences -- important elements when you're trying to build dramatic tension.

As it is... he gets arrested and hauled off by the cops.

You've seen this ending before.

It's in every episode of Scooby Doo.

Frustpectations

I did not go into this movie expecting anything besides some nice eye candy, a tour of a few inspired locales, and a heavy dose of kickin' action.

Unfortunately, the characters, plot, and stakes were so flat and meaningless, it sucked up whatever interest I had in the fights and set pieces.

Yes, it was pretty. Yes, it cuts a fascinating trailer. But the sum is not equal to the parts of the whole.

As my buddy Gibis remarked, "It's the best screensaver I've ever seen."

-Tom, who -- if you will excuse him -- has a keg party to attend.