Dispatches from the Dalmatian


For the past week or so, I have been dog sitting.
More specifically, I have been dog-sitting a dalmatian.
Like pretty much every pet owner ever, I've begun wondering what the dog is thinking. As near as I can tell, here is a complete list:

  • I wish I had something to put in my mouth.
  • I should look for things.
  • CORRECTION! I should look for things to PUT IN MY MOUTH!
  • Man, I am the world's smartest dog.
  • I don't know why other dogs did not think of this, I am so smart. When I am done with my quest I will have a mouth full of TREASURE!
  • Oh look, I found something already! It's a cat bed! Will this cat bed fit in my mouth??
  • HMMmphthispfhcatphbedfithWAYYYmthTOObithtofitphinthmymouthpfh.
  • Wait, I know: CHEWING.
  • OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM I AM A GENIUS!!!
  • Where did the cat bed go?
  • Beats me, I am just going to spread these bits of slob-covered foam all over the living room.
  • BORED.
  • I wish I had something to put in my mouth.
  • Sometimes in the kitchen the hairless pink man will put things in a bowl and those things go in my mouth.
  • THE KITCHEN IS A VAULT OF MOUTH TREASURE!!!
  • I shall go there.
  • Oh, hey chair cushion. Will you fit in my mouth?
  • OM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
  • Nope.
  • OOH THE KITCHEN!!
  • This kitchen vault has a lot of handles. It's like the whole place was designed for people with thumbs.
  • No PROBLEM, I don't need to open doors or cabinets, I am a DOG GENIUS. I bet there is some mouth treasure just up on the- Nope.
  • HA! No problem, I'm sure there is some dog treasure underneath the- Nope.
  • I bet if I just sniff along the edge of the--
  • THIS IS BULLSHIT.
  • Hmm. Wait, what is this? If I juuuuuuuuuust streeeeeeeeetttch upppppppp...
  • PAPER TOWELS! I AM A GENIUS!!! MOUTH TREASURE YOU ARE MINE!!!
  • OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
  • Hey, where did the paper towel go?
  • Man, I am bored, I am going to go dig holes in the back yard.
  • I am making MY OWN Mouth Treasure Vault, stupid humans! One that DOESN'T NEED THUMBS!
  • Seriously, like was there EVER a smarter dog? I don't think so. I should have a baccaleaurate.
  • Wait, I hear one of those strange rolling dog houses for people. It's pulling into MY DRIVEWAY!
  • I better go see who it is. Maybe it is the Custodian of the Mouth Treasury!!
  • Yes, it's that hairless pink man who says "No" all the time. WAIT til I show him my new and improved THUMB-FREE Mouth Treasury!!
  • The hairless pink man is saying a lot of four- and six-letter words VERY loudly.
  • Look, pal, you can rely on your old-fashioned thumb technology all you want, but this is paving the way for a better, more-inclusive, FOUR-LEGGED AMERICA. Don't stand in the way of progress, buddy.
  • Ooh, he's going in the house. I better go too, just in case he opens one of the Treasure Vaults.
  • Hey, while I was working, SOMEONE snuck in here and got foam and paper towel bits all over the place! DIRTY BASTARDS!!
  • Don't look at me pal, I was outside EXCAVATING THE FUTURE.
  • Hey, some of these foam bits fit in my mouth.
  • Hmm. Those four- and six-letter words, they must be like the hairless pink man version of barking. Because they sure don't seem to do anything useful.
  • OOH! He's opening the closet!
  • It's the leash! I get to go outside!
  • OUTSIDE!
  • Why are you coming at me with that leash? We're going outside! Outsideoutsideoutside!!!
  • Let's go! Open this door!
  • Forget the leash! Let's go! OUTSIIIIIIIDE!!!
  • Fine. FINE. I will WAIT here while you assert your SICK form of physical dominance.
  • I don't have these weird control issues, you know. I'm smarter than you.
  • OUTSIDE!!!!!!
  • Man I wish I had something to put in my mouth. LOOK! GRASS!!!
  • OM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
  • WEIRD BERRIES!!!
  • OM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
  • A PINECONE!!
  • Wait, why does the hairless pink man have his fingers in my mouth?
  • He is trying to get the pinecone.
  • NO HAIRLESS PINK MAN, THAT IS MY MOUTH TREASURE!!!! ACTIVATE SLOBBER-BATH/TONGUE-PARRY DEFENSIVE COMBO!!!
  • Ok, you can have half of it.
  • Ok, you can have three-fourths of it.
  • Ok, you can have- LOOK A WALNUT!!!
  • OM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

-Tom who would note that -- according to Dog Genius -- if you once saw a squirrel in a tree, that means EVERY tree has a squirrel if you just LOOK HARD ENOUGH.

Comments
Yippee... It's a Tom Lommel blod. It's been so long since Tom typed in thoughts. What happened to Gen Con? What happened on the set of Iron Man 3, or whatever you are working on? I bet you didn't know that your blogs were actually read by smart dogs.
# Posted By Paul | 9/8/12 10:41 AM
That rescue dog may be PART dalmation but there is another breed there. I would have to search the basement to find the dog book to tell you which one but that is NO pure bred!
It is soooo nice to know what dogs think!
# Posted By von | 9/9/12 4:46 PM
I like dogs and the different kinds so that i can make my life busy and great. You can get a better chance from this area there from which you can buy different dogs from this zone and this special world.
# Posted By is ninjaessays legit | 2/9/18 5:01 AM
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